DOSE:

45 mg

oral

Amphetamines

(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

I was first introduced to Adderall in High School and used it for recreation, taking small doses at a time (10 - 30mg). I was cautious of addictive potential of the drug and used it very seldom. (year: 2001) When I started college I began to struggle with depression and became addicted to pot, simultaneously using various stimulants to pull all-nighters at the library. A friend of mine pointed out that I might have ADHD and told me how he has been prescribed Adderall since the age of 7. He stressed the fact that amphetamines have a very narrow therapeutic window-- even a little more than necessary will increase side effects and decrease your functionality. Over next three years my depression worsened and Adderall became my drug of choice, keeping me functional enough to stay in school with 120-240mg / day habit. I became well organized and more social while sleeping an average of 4 hours a night. Pretty soon my social life was limited to knowing a handful of speed freaks and my depression got much worse. It was painfully obvious how dependent on adderall I became, as all of my money and time was spent on it. Despite the daily euphoria I was miserable and every hour without speed was lethargic and lousy.

I began to see a psychoanalyst who also prescribed my medications. In order to get a script for a stimulant, my depression needed to be addressed first. I was prescribed Wellbutrin and Klonopin to manage the depression and anxiety. This was the first time I sought any kind of professional help, thinking that the feeling of anxiety was normal depression was just part of my personality. I soon discovered how normal people might feel when they are not depressed; followed by parallel discovery about anxiety. My ADHD was still there and amphetamines were no longer available at the time. I started using methamphetamine since it turned out to be a much cheaper alternative. Unlike many meth users I started using it orally, taking between 40 to 80mg/day (I had a scientific scale and a very reliable source of crystal meth).

Within a month I was snorting and smoking the crystal, staying up 3 to 5 days at a time. After a semester of poor grades and being nicknamed 'Shaky', I returned home and quit using stimulants. I saw a local doctor who prescribed me Ritalin after the first meeting and was fairly flexible in changing doses of my medications. At first I thought he was a quack...he told me that I wasn't the first 'self-medicated speed freak' he has encountered, and that I looked so burned out during the first visit, that he had no choice, but to give me a script for Ritalin. Apparently my new doctor was not only an expert in treating ADHD, but also one with decades of experience treating addicts. During the next two years I earned enough trust to get 30mg / day prescription of adderall. Within the next year my dose was 45mg/day. I was very happy to be back on amphetamines and always ran out of the pills half way through the month. Now I was taking time off from school, after being rejected by every grad school I applied to, and working in a kitchen. Within a year and a half I finished my degree in a local University. I knew that it was best to stay in an area where meth was not popular, but life continued chaotically. (year: 2010)

After ending a year long relationship with my girlfriend and getting fired from a well paying job, I discovered heroin. It became my new drug of choice. I demanded my friend to inject me after I snorted a line of the pale brown powder. He warned me that I was entering a 'different ball park' and possibly fatal misery hereafter. I tightened a rope tied around my arm and said, 'I bought the ticket, now start the damn ride'! My life want to shambles over a year of using heroin daily. I lost two consecutive jobs, all my friends, money and all but a remaining thread of respect of my family. I voluntarily created a two week long house arrest for two weeks, entering a month-long rehab program thereafter. I isolated myself from everyone and stayed sober while kicking methadone and heroin, cold turkey. I have no words to describe how bad I felt and how useless I was. Making it through those two weeks and the 28 days of rehab was a miracle to say the least. While in rehab I was allowed to take my Adderall and anti-depressant, under strict supervision and guidelines. For the first time in my life I was taking amphetamines as prescribed.

It has been a year and a month since last day of rehab. (year: 2013) I continue to abstain from drugs, taking my medications as prescribed. My social circle consists of people I know from drug abuse / emotional support groups that I attend. I hate the fact that speed was part of my addiction and love the fact that it remained there the whole time, now helping me function again.

I hope that this serves as a cautionary tale of love/hate relationship I have with amphetamines, and past horrors of addiction. Remember, when it comes to Adderall, less IS more!

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 99263
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Jul 17, 2020	Views: 2,701
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Amphetamines (6) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)