DOSE: T+ 0:00	10 mg	insufflated	Methoxetamine	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	10 mg	sublingual	Methoxetamine	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:20	25 mg	insufflated	Methoxetamine	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	25 mg	insufflated	Methoxetamine	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

For several years I've been intrigued by Ketamine, before even thinking about testing drugs I thought what it would be like in the k-hole. So about a month ago when a friend of mine mentions MXE, a drug noted on a forum and the 'official' vendor as similar to Ketamine, I quickly without further questions asked I make an order for it. After its arrival me and my most usual trip-partner, M, are so excited we're not able to wait for the weekend, and instead remove any and all previous plans that week to be ready as soon as my weighing scale (0.01gram precision) arrives.

My previous drug experiences include 2-cb, 4-ho-met (undoubtedly most used psychedelic), 5-Meo-Dipt, 5-Meo-Mipt, DIPT, DPT, Ayahuasca, Peyote, Amphetamine, Cannabis, Spice Products, LSD, Salvia, Morning Glory Seeds, Harmala, Alkyl Nitrat, Kratom, Psilocybin Mushrooms, 4-AcO-DMT and DOM. But none of them (except perhaps a few earlier bad trips and thinking about how high, sustained doses of poppers at the dentists office could be like) could have prepared me for this experience.

I pick up the missing link of our trip at the post office, go to bed and as soon as I wake up seven hours later at around 22:00, M comes over to my apartment. I'm still feeling a bit tired and I had a rather bad day the day before, but it doesn't concern me as I think of myself as a rather experienced psychedelic user and ready for anything. My friends and I are people who enjoy the changes in thought-patterns and therapeutic effects of drugs. In retrospect, my mental state might therefore not have been the most favourable to try a new drug.

The crystallized powder is measured up to about 10mg each. We are a careful bunch and start out small to check for allergic reactions. This will be the first time I am to take anything dissociative, but I can't say I'm very nervous about the 'trip'. The taste of chemicals has always put me off though, especially when insufflated nasally. To my surprise it doesn't taste very chemical all, but rather like some bad-smelling plant, something I find immensely positive.

T+ 00:20
Another 25mg is administered and I lie down comfortably on a mattress placed in the middle of the room with view of the computer. It quickly becomes apparent that this is the way I'm supposed to experience it.

T+ 00:40
I'm slowly cradled into a dream-world and there are some doctors by my side, their presence soothes me. They may or may not be visually seen, but their existence is felt stronger than any physical being and there is no doubt they are actually there. In fact, I'm more surprised each time M makes a noise or moves to change music. Their incoherent speech sounds filtered through water, I think they are telling me it will be alright and for an hour I'm convinced that's true. I fill up to a total of 60-70mg, my body does not have the capacity to feel much of anything any more. I'm having an unfounded worry that if I pass out my lungs and heart will stop working because of this.

The body, mind and sub-conscience are three separate entities. You don't doubt for a second that you're not this person you're observing. Are you human? Are you organic? Are you even material, or something else entirely looking over this situation? All the psychological constructs you tend to use are rendered useless, even though you're usually pretty decent at rationalizing your way into lucid dreams.

T+ 01:00
Suddenly the smiles are not exactly genuine, perhaps they are not even smiles at all. Perhaps you've misunderstood general facial movements entirely. You look around and find out that your mind is strapped to the bed you're lying on, it has always been and there is no way out. You've entered the wrong part of their domain, the one they are in control of, you have been tricked into it and you are now stuck.

Who is this sad 'you' they act so cruelly upon, I wonder to myself. After a moments contemplation I suddenly recognise one of the doctors as my oldest sister. I stare until I'm at the breaking point of madness and suddenly the pieces fall into place. They are all people from my past, under-way in the most negative actions they've ever made against me. The you whom I didn't recognise was me, and I can do nothing about it for I am trapped and this is my prison. I instinctively realise this must be the closest I've come the feeling of death.

The family dinner when I last met my sister flashes past me in less than a millisecond, but during that period of time I am able to take in all the subconscious insults she and all the other dinner guests made and didn't make towards me. I'm the black sheep of the family and any kind of praise I get has to be diminished by everything bad thing I've ever done, my opinions are shit and I'm slightly overweight.

The following hour after that are filled with similar memories of horror, none of which attempts to shed me in any better light. I tell my mother I'm depressed and feel like killing myself, after I had sat in my room doing nothing for weeks on end. She replies that that's my resort for everything, to threaten to kill myself although I had never before told her of my depressed state. Her attempt to fix her burst of anger by saying she's sorry was of no comfort then nor is it now.

T+ 02:30
Pupils not dilated, but after putting on the light we both notice a huge increase in sensitivity to it. I also find it very amusing to move, it's as if I'm thinking 'well, this is a funky position to be in' not noticing that I'm falling uncontrollably towards the floor. Only after landing in perplexion to why the funky feeling is gone am I able to take in the whole experience. While standing I'm sure that's the way you're supposed to do this thing and when lying down again I realise that whatever position I'm in is very much 'the way things are supposed to be'.

I've had bad trips before, but no reading in the world could have prepared me for this. M tells me he's worried, that I look sad, distant and have been quiet for an awful long time. I reply with the ever so casual and cliché 'It's cool...' while a voice tells me that death is always a way out no matter what 'they' say. Wishing I had the power to move so that I could jump out the window. Communications are, as soon as they arise, staggering and confusing.

I calm down slightly while watching The Secret of Kells even though I'm not able to see it as my eyes can't seem to focus and we go for a walk so that M may go home. By now at least 3 hours must have past since the first dose, sense of time is minimal and the only things giving any are last.fm histories, the length of movies and fragments of memories. On the way he tells a story about how bad his family treats his uncle, that he's on antidepressants and always looks sad. M's mother, who's not even blood related to the uncle, calls him large and they all think of him as the black sheep of the family while M tries to find a way to make contact with him. I silently mumble an answer, wondering 'has he been listening to my thoughts this entire time or does he know me so well that he doesn't even have to?'. I follow him the entire way home, and I plan on taking the train back home but I suddenly can't take it any more. I didn't want to tell him because I'm ashamed, I don't want to take over the discussion on the subject of his uncle and I feel narcissistic for even existing. I don't want to talk about my feelings and I hate it that I simply don't continue the discussion. Feelings overwhelm me.

'Your mother is a fucking horrible person. How can she even begin to formulate such sentences? Don't people like that think? The mind of a depressed person over-analyze every situation and every insult or joke made could cause a whole branch of thoughts echoing through their being further pulling them into self-hatred and worse confidence.'

My friend says he agrees and I know he's not feeling very well mentally either, for life and humanity is the subject of most of our dialogue even outside of tripping. A moment I'm quiet and we can hear the train in the distance. I murmur: 'I'm sorry, It's just..' my mind goes blank and I look away crying. I tell him the specifics of my depression, things I've never told anyone I know. He hugs me and asks me if I want to come back to his apartment, he listens to me and this act of sympathy easy my pain more than I could ever have imagined. We run over the train-tracks, the panic grows stronger but after a while I'm slowly moved back towards the calm world of anaesthetics that started this night.

T+ 06:00 Almost all of the effects are gone and I try eating a piece of chocolate but quickly find it untasty. Only some minor patterns lingers on until I fall asleep without any trouble 10 hours in.

T+ 3 weeks
I do not regret the trip at all, as I think of bad experiences as a chance to learn and see problems in a new light. On the way down I thought to myself 'One time more, sometime in the far future. Maybe. How are we going to get rid of it all?' yet only a day later I was thinking about taking it again, and soon.

M (and another friend I was sitting for the day after) seemed to have effects similar to mine while another pair of friends I was sitting for had entirely positive, except at times somewhat scary, effects. The next time I try it there's nothing negative and I spend the entire time cosily reading Terry Pratchett. But one should still not take MXE lightly, like a wise soul at Bluelight once put it: 'MXE sends me a clear message that it means business in the head wrecking department.'

[Reported Dose: ''60mg insufflated 10mg sublingual']

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 89689
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Feb 17, 2011	Views: 46,162
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Methoxetamine (527) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Entities / Beings (37), Bad Trips (6), General (1)