DOSE:

9 mg

oral

Pharms - Risperidone

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

110 lb

I took risperidone for, I'm not sure, a few months. It was prescribed, mostly, for hallucinations during manic episodes of bipolar disorder, when I would hear, see and feel things that did not exist. The one thing I can say for sure was that there was a very real sense of duality. I don't remember actions, or objects, so this experience may lack some of the groundedness and retrospect of others, but the emotions are almost as clear now as they were then. Looking back, this lack of memory was probably also an effect of the drug, as I remember blacking out quite frequently.

The first thing that struck me, hours after taking the first pill (they did take a long time to kick in), was how numb I was. Honestly, everything was truly, completely meaningless. I could not find happiness - nor sadness - in anything. I was aware of myself, but not as myself, if you know what I mean. Dead weight seemed to hold my body - and my thoughts - down. I was aware of everything, but my senses were dulled.

Then, everything was slow. First, it was just me, but soon, time - existance, even - seemed to truly stretch. The road was wider. The walls were further away. Movement took longer.

The one experience I can say I remember, for sure, occurred a few days into the medication. I knew it was cold. I took an incredibly long time to make the decision to turn the heating up, concentrating heavily the whole time, and I put it on full. I held the radiator, kind of leaning on it. It burnt me, not particularly severely, but burnt me nonetheless. I knew it was burning me, but I couldn't physically feel it. It didn't register. My mother came to turn the heating down, and saw me holding the radiator. She took my hands away from it, incredibly slowly (though that is probably just how I remember it), and I fell to the floor. Again, I knew I'd hit my head, but it just didn't register.

It's worth noting that I felt incredibly knowledgeable at this point, but incredibly detatched - as if I was some kind of higher being. I still don't know how to explain it. I was conscious of everything, but I couldn't really respond to it. Everything else about me felt completely dead. I was aware of its existance (it being 'everything else about me', such as emotions, physical senses, the importance of anything) but it was so insignificant to suggest that it could've not existed and I would not have noticed.

There was fear, too - the second half of the duality. I'd sit there and think 'this is not right'; nothing was. I felt I needed to escape, but I could not. That, there, whatever it was, should not have been. It didn't belong. I did not belong. I was scared, more than I ever had been, but at the same time, I did not care. I had to get away, but as much as I tried, I couldn't make it matter. Unless you have experienced it yourself, and I truly hope you do not, I don't feel anything can describe the potency of these emotions, and the clear, tearing duality that existed in everything. Being scared completely positively witless, and not caring about it, is more scary than the actual fear itself.

Physically, I was tight. My muscles felt thick, almost, like they were physically bigger and heavier. My mouth felt dry, but I salivated excessively. Often on myself, because I couldn't really control my lips. I thought about this drooling, long and hard, but I could not seem to come to any kind of comprehension. I knew I was drooling, but I didn't understand it.

After a while of this, I decided I'd had enough. Making a decision like this in this state was impossible, but getting hit by a car kind of made my decision for me. For the record, I don't at all remember getting hit, or anything leading up to it, other than how cloudy the sky was. At this point, I had absolutely no trust in the psychiatrists. I positively - point blank - refused to go back. If the drugs they gave me had this effect, I would never trust them again. Sure, they stopped the hallucinations, the paranoia, and the mood swings, but I felt the expense was far too large.

I wouldn't go against the advice of a professional, but if you are prescribed this drug, be very very careful with it, and if you're considering taking it as a recreational drug, just don't.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 80079
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 26, 2009	Views: 24,778
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Pharms - Risperidone (253) : Difficult Experiences (5), Medical Use (47), Multi-Day Experience (13), Various (28)