DOSE:

oral

Hydrocodone

BODY WEIGHT:

90 lb

There’s nothing unique about being a junkie, but it is something you can’t quite understand unless you are one.

The first time I took Vicodin and actually had it work was the summer before eleventh grade at a concert. At the time, I was more of cokehead than anything else. Vicodin was by far the best high I’d ever felt in my life; I was already pretty drunk but there was another kind of euphoria underneath that seemed to come in increasingly strong waves. I was content with myself and the world. I wanted it to last forever and I actually could feel it until the next morning. I thought, “Damn, if only I could take one of these every day, life would be great.”

About a year and a half ago I was prescribed 5 mg Vicodin. I was in legitimate pain but I also wanted to get high. I started off taking two a day and quickly went up to six. The problem was, after a couple of months my tolerance was up so high that six didn’t do a thing and I wasn’t about to take more than that due to the Acetaminophen content. Two days more New Years, I quit cold turkey. In my mind, there was no way I could be addicted, it hadn’t been long enough. I experienced absolutely no symptoms for those first two days. It wasn’t until around 3 a.m. on New Years day that I suddenly started feeling like I had the flu. I was hot, then I was cold, then I was hot again. At first I thought it was the actual flu , until the restless leg thing started up. It felt like there was an electric shock running up and down my legs, or like tiny bugs, and I couldn’t keep them still. For six hours straight, I kicked my legs.

I didn’t feel like myself for another few days after that but I was still denial that I had gone through withdrawal. I kept off the pills for two weeks. That is, until my pain came back and I got bored. It wasn’t really one thing or the other, it was just like, “Hey, I can get them, so what’s stopping me?” Part of me wishes that I had just quit then, but the other part of me knows that that would’ve never happened. After that, there was no turning back.

I went from taking six Vicodin a day to taking six 5 mg Oxycodone or more (usually more) a day over the course of three months. I kept it up for eight months after that, during which time I learned the true meaning of the word withdrawal. I spent my Senior Prom and the night of my High School graduation, along with numerous other weekends, withdrawing alone in my bedroom. Those are days out of my life that I will never get back. And yet, every time, I would greedily gulp down the pills as soon as I got them, knowing full well that I was only delaying time until my next withdrawal.

Four months ago I started cutting back, with the help of a doctor, but not by choice. I’m horrible at sticking to the schedule and I usually take all my pills within a couple days of getting them, leaving me to withdraw two days out the week, every week. You’d think I’d just quit cold turkey, but the little voice in my head says, “No, I have to get them while I can!” Every week I tell myself this week will be different, I’ll make them last this time, but it never turns out that way. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure who I am anymore. I either feel totally out of it (but not in a good way) when I have the pills or like total shit when I don’t. The withdrawals aren’t as bad as they were when I was taking six a day, at least for that I can be thankful, but I still get the runny nose, hypersensitivity, depression, nausea, sleeplessness, diarrhea, and muscle aches. For those two or three days I can’t do much; I just go to class (sometimes I don’t even do that) and then come home and watch TV. I feel like I am wasting my life, and for what?

I guess if there is one thing I would want someone to get out of this it is that unlike most other drugs, opiates have a definite physical aspect to them. You may be mentally strong and able to resist the pull but once you get involved, there is nothing you can do to protect yourself from the physical addiction and that takes its toll mentally.

Exp Year: 2008-2009	ExpID: 78698
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Apr 11, 2016	Views: 2,742
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Hydrocodone (111) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)