DOSE:		oral	Syrian Rue	(tea)
		oral	Mimosa tenuiflora	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

I decided to make my first tea with the smallest quantity because of my tendancy to over-react to many substances. This worked out well. I did not have a scale, so estimated the measurements (approximately 3 g rue, 8 grams m.hostilis), and broke up the mimosa bark and ground it and the rue, seperately, in a coffee grinder, put them to boiling in two different pots, with about 3 cups of water each. Toward the end of the boil, I split the juice of one very ripe lemon and one lime, between the two pots. Then strained in a french press, and simmered for another hour. The results were about a cup each, I split the juice of one orange between them, and put them in the fridge. About four hours later, 5:30 pm, I drank half the cup of rue. I waited til I thought I felt something, and started drinking the mimosa. This took time because of the sour-bitterness, I did continuous small sips as I was able. There was a full cup of liquid and I left about a quarter of it. I figured with leftovers from both cups if I didn't feel anything I could go back, but it turned out not to be necessary at all.

I had lit candles and burned incense and cleaned up, and sat down and began to meditate. After about 15 minutes I noticed a rippling effect to the edges of objects and knew the trip was on. My heart started to race and I felt an impulse to panic, thinking.. if it is this strong now.. how powerful will it get? I got up to go to the bathroom hoping to stabilize, coaching myself to relax.

There was a little dizziness and nausea and after another 15 minutes or so I forced a puke, which was difficult, and didn't seem to help much. (I had hoped for more of a sense of purge). I felt some regret, as my sense of control was disappearing, but kept aware that this was exactly what I had wanted to occur. The layers of objects, and myself, were no longer solid, but vibrating in waves, and I sensed that the original form was allowed by will, (mine), and consent (not mine). I heard a familiar voice like sound that I recognized as something spoken or sung on previous LSD trips, which is also familiar to childhood or even infancy.. something primal, like a boinging, or it was comforting, if a little haunting. Next, the sense that my life and consciousness is a strange and selfish tyranny, which is allowed because of love, despite its childishness. I had a vision of parent-like creatures trying to drag me off but I kicked, screamed and cried, and they let me stay... again (this seemed familiar). Later I saw a woman on the floor of a floating box, collapsed and crying, and recognized it as my sadness, and told her it was ok. Ok to be sad, and she was loved... and she disappeared.

I found that if the visions became too strong or disturbing I could get up and move, and that was grounding. Numerous times I regretted being alone, all the way from wishing there was a person to check in with, snuggle against, or to truly love in my whole life, not just now. I did snuggle hard against my dog! No matter how things split apart, it seemed I could check back and he was still just him. He also seemed to notice when it came on and crossed the room and climbed into the chair with me, and stayed with me from that point on.

I did feel compelled to state my gratitude, out loud, for life and all the love and kindness shown to me. At another point, that I needed to sing, and I did. I saw the faces of family and friends, and some seemed to be alive and with me and loving me, as if they were really there. The hellish parts were mostly awareness of the barriers I have created. Selfishness resulting in solitude, loneliness and being frozen out... but, only as I have frozen out so many others. Sometimes there was a sense that they were laughing, so, now in my fear I would reach out, huh? Ha! Too late! And a sense that this solitude was eternal, and this was hell.

About 90 minutes had passed. The visuals were strong, but manageable, and I was able to come to the computer and chat with a friend on IM. It seemed that the tea was churning in my stomach, and as it gurgled, gasses were released that would result in a new wave of tripping. My friend asked how long I thought it would last, and I thought a few days. He thought maybe forever.

During periods I couldn't get warm, and was shaking, and as I shook, it felt I was vibrating to pieces. I snuggled harder onto the dog and into the blankets, and finally, about 2 1/2 hours into it, got into bed. By then I was thirsty, but didn't want to drink or eat anything for fear of stimulating a new burst!

I stayed in bed, drifting between dreams/nightmares/awareness, until I finally fell asleep. I woke up at 3:33 a.m., the residue of the trip is with me, and I hope it stays. One realization, before I fell asleep, was how much love I do have, and feel for my friends and family, but censor, or suppress, for reasons unknown. My goal is to stop censoring it.

I had prayed to the ayahuasca to show me gently what I needed to see, and it did exactly that. I asked that it allow me to check back into my world, so I wouldn't be overcome by fear, while taking me to the knowledge I need. I am overwhelmed by the love that allows me to exist. If the feelings only last for a few hours or days, I have the remains of a huge order and will continue to treat myself. Hopefully future ceremonies can be shared with others, in more than spirit.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 76622
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 23, 2018	Views: 2,591
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Syrian Rue (45), Mimosa tenuiflora (74), Huasca Combo (269) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)