DOSE:

oral

Cannabis

(edible / food)

BODY WEIGHT:

90 kg

My first contact with psychedelic culture was from Carlos Castaneda books... Back than a teenager, I was eager to experience altered states of awareness, but since I was a 'good' boy, didn't have any contact with 'suppliers' of all those illegal substances. I was never interested in recreational use of drugs - I drank alcohol only because I liked wine or beer, not to get drunk. I tried marijuana only with friends, but since I don't usually smoke, the effects were light and I didn't like to just feel dizzy in public. I kept asking: 'That's it? No mind altering experiences, etc.? Why smoke it then?'. Then one day I was offered a quite potent cannabis cookie. I only took a small piece before going to the acoustic music concert - a really small piece - I thought it would only cause the same light-headed effect as smoking a big joint, but it couldn't be more far away from truth.

We arrived at the venue when the effects started to kick in. I thought, whoa that is not going to be so innocent. In the middle of a great concert the vibrations just surrounded me and the audience became irrelevant. Aided by cannabis, I experienced the most profound live concert I ever saw. Every accompanying dancer's move was significant and told us some story, musical passages kept surrounding me and evolving endlessly and in unpredictable ways. I could dive into details through many layers of musical meaning.

I actually went to the same band's concert another time, just to check if they are really that great or were those just the marijuana effects. They are in fact that good and express a complex musical message, but cannabis cookies provided additional insight to decode all the subtleties that would otherwise pass unnoticed.

The only problem was that the effects lasted even after the concert and I had to somehow function in a very public surrounding where I prefer to have control over my actions and appearance. The conversation of people around me stopped making sense - it was like they speak utter nonsense - gibberish or at least totally causally or logically unconnected statements. I thought - but that is true - even if provoked by marijuana - what we communicate with each other, especially 'small talk' is utterly empty and unimportant. There is no real logic or understanding. Also my movement through the night city was surreal - stumbling and just feeling in a sort of surreal coccoon that travels through ordinary space.

That evening I discovered for the first time a very strong impact that cannabis can have. Exactly what I wished for to experience for a long time. After knowing that I am so sensitive for its effects, I decided that I will always use it only for the ritual purposes in the safe surroundings of my home.

So I became a psychonaut that periodically uses cannabis cookies and salvia divinorum - while they are different (salvia like a wild amazon woman (actually I experienced a very sexual encounter once...), cannabis like a mellow-spoken elf) my basic experiences are always the same with both - detaching from ordinary reality, very deep and complex stream of thoughts where each subsequent inner dialogue statement overrules the previous one - it is like that, no it is like that, no it is even more like that, etc. The fabric of reality falls to little pieces and the music always gets 3D quality and just flows from speakers to inside of my head and all around the room. Its musical relationships and details start to communicate abstract messages. I no longer use ordinary logic, I just feel the 'facts' that cannot be spoken. It almost always disintegrates my physical body and I only feel as an observing entity, free of physical limits. I enjoy that sensation very much - it is not frightening to me. I would like to stay there and not to return to the body - it feels so limiting afterwards.

On one of my first subsequent trips I felt the mechanism of death (or so I described it rationally) and I was O.K. with it. There was some sort of a board of wise men, gathered in some room - some older and wise people I actually know and some that I don't - and they were sort of watching over me. I felt like they know everything about me - all the secret places in my subconscious, all the little bad things I might have done or that I fantasized about, all the things I would be ashamed of if someone would know - but they didn't care, they loved me - I felt some sort of embrace of warmth and unconditional love - finally I understood what this is. Loving someone in spite of all their imperfections or ugliness. They just wanted to see that I am all right, that I make a progress - they KNEW. I was overwhelmed. And I surrendered - stopped hiding anything (and I am not secretive at all in my life - but you know - we all have little secrets - at least banalities like masturbation, sexual fantasies, some aggression we avoid expressing, etc.) - they knew all of it! And I felt so FREE I cannot describe it - I guess that is how a REAL confession should be like and how it should affect the one that confesses.

All the cannabis cookie trips caused me increased temperature and heartbeat, usually I am also forced into deep breathing - similar to pranayama in Yoga. A very relaxing and powerful breathing that somehow 'cleans' me. I feel sort of like the mental activities demand super-charged body. I take small doses by all standards - but am so sensitive that eating two brownies exhausts me for the whole next day. So I practice this only as a ritual.

My mind is always set on transcending reality, but soon after the effects start my expectations get surpassed, I am constantly surprised and driven further - sort of: 'you think you understand it, ha? Well - check this out!' And I get transported into even stranger realms of understanding. The next effect is psychedelic patterns and surrounding of music (I discovered that some music has 'trigger' quality and some doesn't have it - when it is right it is a vehicle that takes me deeper). The third step is what I call 'vortex' - it doesn't always occur, but when it does it starts like: 'OK, here we go, this is for real now!' I experience the 'trip' in its primordial meaning - like travelling on a rollercoaster - through an endless tunnel... The fast travelling sensation is combined with increased abstract thinking - I had many sensations of understanding what everything is on many levels - unspeakable and most of the times after that there is no memory. Once I made a very potent cannabis milk drink and I just remember the beginning and afterwards I just slept for two days. Luckily I had holidays... I was not prepared for such strong effects.

I stop describing my experiences here. My conclusion is - mind altering substances are of the most importance for understanding anything. Words are vain compared to the direct experience. It is so profound that no other cultural or recreational activity can compare. Even listening to great music can be enhanced to unthinkable dimensions of meaning.

Psychonautica is not for everyone, but it shouldn't be illegal.
We should be allowed to discover those amazing realms of being.
It is just so different and deep, that the ordinary world and its strivings are a joke. Maybe that's what the power people are afraid off - to dismiss the empty goals they try to impose on our lives.
The most important impact my pschonautic experiences had on me is constant understanding and feeling, that I cannot take the agreed coded reality for real anymore. It is one of the descriptions, but I felt and understood so many others. Universe is vast and utterly mysterious to us and we know so little. How can we make any definite statements about our biological & psychical state and our surroundings? All the human knowledge is just partial. There is so much more.

How can we define normality and finally how can we proceed to live ordinary life after having such insight?

I know I can't. I have to continue seeking. With the help of those substances and constant rethinking and exploring their effects. Maybe we are not allowed or capable of real understanding, but those experiences surely can bring us closer to some mystery and loose some rigid formal thinking that we so stubbornly defend.

We should be allowed to get 'crazy'!

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 68314
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 3, 2011	Views: 10,983
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Cannabis (1) : Various (28), Glowing Experiences (4), Retrospective / Summary (11)