DOSE:

Inhalants

(gas)

I'm just now really starting to feel controlled by my substance abuse- I smoke marijuana constantly- but thats not a problem- with all the ganja I smoke I can remain functional- whats fucking me is huffing. Dusters, butane- I told myself it would be a brief experimental interlude- and the first time was so warped mad crazy I swore I wouldn't fuck around with the stuff- but I tried it again and now I'm not addicted but certainly compelled to take more- here I am sitting at my computer having just finished off a can of butane- I'm not high now, merely cause I just came down from getting my wah-wahs on- listening to tool- and just had a hellishly compelling moment of thought on the future and how I've done nothing with my life- I have a shitty job and I'm going insane from all the drugs I do. I don't know what the future holds- I'm scared cause I know I don't follow through with anything in life- is it a defeatist attitude or merely knowing myself? occasionally I contemplate suicide- I usually put it out of my head but sometimes I play out the scenario in my head- wonder who would actually weep for me- imagine watching my body being put in the ground- imagine my boyfriend- my mother- all sorts of people-

I don't know why I'm typing this but this is whats on the brain after a canister of volatile solvent. I'm not sure what happens next- I do dusters at work sometimes- I just smoked an ounce in the last 4 days- and I feel helpless- a slave to my own stupidity.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 6615
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 10, 2002	Views: 25,587
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Inhalants (29) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Alone (16)