DOSE:	6 glasses	oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine
	50 mg	oral	Pharms - Diazepam	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

157 lb

I had been clean for almost thirty days, when I headed to my brother's house after a day of golf. Before that night I had been going to NA meetings and enjoying my new life. My last days before I got clean were filled with endless cases of beer and enough coke to drive me to the edge of suicide.

I felt fairly secure in my ability to say NO to my drugs of choice, (cocaine, alcohol, reefer) and was very sure that I would not indulge in either.

Before reaching my brother's house I made a fatal mistake, I passed one of my old using buddies and invited him to our game of cards. I was sure that even if he had a kilo of coke there was no way I going to take any. Besides, I had a drug test for a good job just two days later.

My brother knows I'm in recovery and wouldn't allow me to use anything. But my addiction can manipulate anyone and eventually I convinced him to give me a beer. I felt comfortable that I would be okay with just one. My using buddy was obviously on coke but I had no to desire to use any.

Later that night I noticed my buddy trying to get my attention without my brother noticing. In a side conversation he let me know that he had aquired some valiums earlier that day. I said no and watched them go to the back room to get high. After seeing this a few times I finally gave in. I told him to put ONE in my change box for later. He said he dropped TWO for me. When they returned from the back room again I told him I had taken them which was a lie. I lied so I could feel a part of the group. It was a futile attempt to save my quickly fleeting recovery.

Eventually I decided what the fuck and I chewed them to make sure that they hit me hard and fast. At first I was okay and told myself that I could lie to everyone and continue to stay clean. But when the drugs hit me my addiction took over. I told my buddy I needed another one because I wasn't feeling it. This was definitely a lie beacuse after about six beers mixed with two chewed 10mg valiums I could feel it. So I got another and then another and then one more. He told me I had taken all his pills but I still wanted more. At this point I had taken 5 10mg valiums and drank about 6 or more beers.

By this time I was completely gone, the rest of the story was told to me by my brother, girlfriend and mom. My brother told me that at that point that I told him I was going home. My using buddy invited me to a party, my brother concerned for my safety said no I couldn't go with him. He couldn't figure out why I was acting so weird after drinking only a few beers.

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I remember fighting him for a while to get to my truck and he said he finally let me go and I fell down five stairs onto my face. Somehow I made it to my truck and managed to drive 15 mins. back to my house which I have no memory of. My girlfriend told me she heard me pull up to the house and was wondering why I was sitting in the truck so long. Apparently I blacked out, and then came to.

I stumbled to the door and fell through it with my girl screaming that I was drunk and she told me that I was swearing I wasn't. She called my mother thinking that I was going to hurt her and she said she was on her way along with my brother. At this point she said I was so mad that I picked up the christmas tree and threw it across the room. After more yelling I got even worse and start jumping on the tree and crushing all the decorations.

Finally, I said fuck you, I hate you, and I'm leaving and headed for the back door. She told me that she ran out the front door and got my keys out of my truck and came back in just as I was falling out the back door. Apparently I made it to the truck and blacked out again. A little later I found myself on the living room floor with my whole family standing around me. And I was out again. They didn't know whether to call the cops or the hospital. Lucky for me they did neither.

The first thing I remember is getting up in the morning with my girlfriend and walking in the living in total shock. I asked what the fuck happened to the christmas tree??? She told me to come back to bed and we could talk about it later.

The next day I was so upset, she told me that last night you were screaming and looking for your gun to kill yourself. And I had destroyed the tree and said some really fucked up things. I realize now that if I would have found my gun I could have really hurt someone and I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life.

It's been two days since this happened and it is a miracle that I'm alive. I realize that I AM A ADDICT and like they say ONE IS TOO MANY A THOUSAND IS NEVER ENOUGH. I hope that I never have to use drugs again. The truth is that I make the choice to pick up and god willing I never will again. The next day after this experience I prayed with all my heart that god would let me die before I use again. Drugs as much as I love them, enslave me and destroy my life and I hope that any addict that suffers will know that there is a better way of life.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 48903
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 25, 2015	Views: 5,838
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Pharms - Diazepam (115), Alcohol - Beer/Wine (199) : Combinations (3), Addiction & Habituation (10), Overdose (29), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)