DOSE:

repeated

oral

Amphetamines

(pill / tablet)

Four years ago is the first time I ever took a Dexedrine. Black and orange, Halloween, October, and they got me through 7th grade. I didn't like them very much, and only took them (prescribed) for two weeks, before I completely forgot about them.

The next two years I did horribly in school, naturally. Middle school was not something I was about to take seriously.

During the summer before high school came around, I started posting on TOTSE. Hmm...Dexedrine is RECREATIONAL? Hot damn, I'd like to get me some of that!

'Yeah yeah, occasional use, no addiction I'll be real careful'

I liked weed, had tried 'shrooms, and coke once. I told my mom I wanted to schedule an appointment at the doc's. After three days on Strattera, which made me throw up foam, it was settled. 15mg extended release Dexedrine tablets. Beautiful.

The first night I got them I took 30mgs and sat in bed all night thinking. It was poetry in motion, something I had never quite felt before. I faded in between dreams, forgot who I was, and had a great time.

I almost forgot why I got those suckers at the beginning of 9th grade, and took them legitimately for almost two weeks. I was kicking ass in school, something I had never experienced before. My parents praised me, my life seemed to be turning around, and for the better. I was no longer the drug-addict fuck-up. I realized I was a super-human genius. My teachers loved me. I was smart.

Desirable traits turned to ugly obsession and I wanted, more than anything else, to be the best. To do everything. To be smarter than anyone, thing, or being. I wanted to be the best.

I turned damn bitter. I was going crazy, and I couldn't figure out why. For a few months, it wasn't the pills, it was me. “Fuck man, you're slipping.” The 'Dexies' had nothing to do with it. 30mgs, 3 times a week. I was kicking ass.

'I'm rushing on my run' Lou Reed would howl, and I would relate, so drugged.

I went through 200 of those 15mg 'Dexies', and fuck, I was crazy. I talked to a few of you Totseans online from time to time, and made some crazy ass posts. I was fucking bitter, I hated the world. You don't need them, you don't need anybody!

I was popular as hell two years ago. I had a gorgeous girlfriend, who I loved deeply. I didn't stand up when I should have stood up, and I lost her. My paranoia and self-obsession controlled my life.

I became seriously paranoid, I would walk around buildings just to avoid the nearing faces, which I didn't recognize, on the sidewalk. My entire world took a step back: No friends, no girlfriend, something to say, but no one to turn to. I had NOTHING. It all disappeared, I forgot who I was, but remembered it was someone great. That tore me up. I had gone to shit and I couldn't figure out why.

Sarcasm and self-observation ruled me. I was a nervous, anxious, paranoid, helpless wreck. I wanted to do it all, and it seemed so possible. I thought I was doing good, because those pills gave me an enlightenment I had never seen before. I was one step above everyone else. God I was egotistical and sarcastic.

I decided to quit and life was shit. It took me two months to come down from the mindset, and I am still in some ways tainted by that drug. People do still read me as egotistical, but I am working on becoming more modest.

6 months clean and I am starting to gain some friends again, my mind is becoming a little more clear. I still think I am a little crazy, depressed crazy though. I have to over shadow the past year of my life and it is so hard. So hard to look forward, so hard to forget what I was. I try to be my immediate self, but it is pretty damn hard. I guess I am slowly getting better, I am starting counseling soon, and hopefully I can work out all the problems I have created.

The happiness I felt from from taking the amphjetamines was fake.

'Another day goes by- gonna burn a little bit of my soul'

Willpower is not meant to be tested, and sugar can be damn sweet. I didn't know it was happening 'til it was there, and then it was REALLY there.

I got a long road ahead of me, and going clean was the best decision I ever made. Unlike most drugs, amphetamines don't cripple you. They propel you, become your fuel. Without them, you are weak.

Exp Year: 2005	ExpID: 48887
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Oct 15, 2018	Views: 1,541
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Amphetamines (6) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Difficult Experiences (5), Addiction & Habituation (10), Performance Enhancement (50), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Not Applicable (38)