DOSE:

13 g

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

Sat. 9-18-04 time: 9:30pm, ingest 13g of Amazons (largest previous dose= 7.5g), the shrooms were hard to get down at such a large dose, wanted to puke, but wouldn't allow it to happen. Music: Goddess by Troika, repeated all tracks; 9:45: take shower to relax.

10:00pm: Making myself comfortable and waiting for trip in the empty blackness of my bedroom, sitting on bed I feel the onset come. The trip started off nicely, I marveled at how the darkness took ever changing forms, though my eyes could see nothing but my mind's eye was awakened. I could see the movements of my hands as they passed before me in the emptiness before me. I become the raven winged serpent and shift forms again and again. I begin speaking to myself in an accent that was similar to a british accent, 'there is only peace here my Son, so let everything be silly!' echoes in my ears.

I feel my self split into two beings, 1. 'Shadow self' 2. 'light self', I drifted towards the shadow self. I begin to act wildly as I sit. Uncontrolled but enjoying it, my head begins to bob back and forth and in circles as I feel tears fill my eyes and snot running from my nose. They feel nice against my skin, the snot and tears fling from my body as I witness other like beings doing the same. I imagine the movie gremlins. I was acting wild like them but resembled more like a gnome or something like in a brian froud picture. I can see the snot and tears in my mind's eye in slow motion as as they are hurled from me. Stomach feels tight and cramped, pressure is building in my head. I stop to observe the blackness, cracks of light like tears in the fabric of space show themselves. I try to understand them but can not, in my peripheral vision I see lightning coming from hidden clouds.

I feel lost, I become frightened. I become confused. At that moment I feel like I am dying and I accept it. Voices in my head 'its such a shame, such a wasted life'. I can no longer sit straight. I get into a fetal position trying but fail to cling on to something that makes me feel safe. I see myself in my mind's eye in that fetal position. The earth plummets from me. I have concluded that I am dead, but still I cling desperately for life. I feel judgement upon me. I feel ashamed. I allowed myself to be poisoned with fear, hatred, cynicism, and guilt. 'I want another chance!'

Suddenly a calm. I feel the presence of a father and mother figure. I beg for forgiveness and they give it, but I would not forgive myself. 'Mother, Father, I have let you down, please forgive me. I have shamed you.' Then I hear in my head 'There is only love here my son' The calm slips away, the music begins to drill itself in my head ...louder, louder louder. 'Make it stop!' I slip in and out of the Earth plane, still clinging on to life. I feel the carpet beneath me. I feel a wall but I can't move. I feel stranded on a small island made of sheetrock and carpet, not much bigger than where I lay. I cry and cry, 'I want to live, let me live, I will be good. I want love, give me love, let me be at peace. Father! Forgive me!' The music still drilling me 'Make it stop!' Somewhere deep inside. 'Be strong my son, I love you'

As I laid there trying to move, covered in sweat, shaking, full of fear, my body feeling broken, laying wasted on the floor of a endlessly deep stone pit I pull my self together. I find the strength to rise up and end the torment. I drag myself to my feet, find the wall and I stumble until I find the light switch. I turn on the light and I am set free. I stare at myself in the mirror. Everything moves like ripples of water. I stare at my hands. I am shaken up but I know I've made it. I climb into the tub, start the shower. I need warmth.

As the shower runs over my head, I sit naked and slumped over myself. I find peace in the warm waters. I gain serenity by focusing my attention on the rippling water that is collecting in the tub around me. The water dances like a dream and everything vibrates with comfort. At that point I am extremely exhausted in every way imaginable. Yet I can't sleep. Images in my head for future pieces of art flash in my mind's eye.

After the shower I feel I need to dance. I can feel numerous arms coming from my back, like a hindu god. I feel like Shiva. I've been recreated. Now I see the world differently. I am still shaken up and still coming to grips with the experience, but it served a very valuable purpose that will carry with me into eternity.

7:30-ish am: the remaining trip has wore off

Peace,
Corvus

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 36858
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 27, 2023	Views: 556
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