Egocentric Suicide
Mushrooms
Citation: entiformation. "Egocentric Suicide: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp29819)". Erowid.org. Apr 4, 2006. erowid.org/exp/29819
| DOSE: |
7.0 g | oral | Mushrooms | (dried) |
| BODY WEIGHT: | 120 lb |
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For a while I had been taking mushrooms every week, 2 weeks, and occasionally 3 weeks. I was convinced I was being objective, and completely under control (although I was completely unable to break up with a girlfriend whom I need to break up with). Even that day, I was somewhat afraid, but being who I was, I convinced myself I was not afraid, and that I could handle it. So I took 7 grams with my gf of the time, and headed to a hangout of mine. It's an outdoor stripmall thing. We headed into a book Store, and I had started feeling giggly and light at about 10-15 minutes. I went upstairs to the kid section, and hung out there. I really began to come on.
About 15 minutes later (T - 0:30) we headed to the pier, a boardwalk that goes around some trees next to a park, where people who want to do drugs have a safe place (although in retrospect, it's very unsafe for people on 7 grams with no real understanding of themselves). We walked along the boardwalk, put our shit down, and looked at the water. It was beautiful.
All of a sudden I was struck with a sense of complete ego-centricism. I thought I understood people completely, and their motives (I still feel that way sometimes, but I definitely try to let go of it). I started dancing to some Shpongle at the request of my girlfriend. The way she asked was the same as every other time she demands something of me, but this time it really irked me (it always does, but something in me clicked). I started dancing, and decided to tell her and my other friend I would go swimming. The gf demanded that I not (which was the only reason I wanted to do it, to prove to her she didn't control me). I felt as though I was the clothes I was wearing: green ufos, and an orange Truth shirt. I don't know why.
I thought I saw in the corner of my eye a girl whom I had had a crush on for a while (she wasn't really there, but I really did think she was. She, and a bunch of other people, were always telling me to break up with this girl), and thought I would try to impress her by breaking up with my gf then and there (I don't approve at all of how I acted that night, just for the record). I told her she hated me, and I hated her, and we were going to break up that night. She asked me why I was doing this. At this point, reality and fantasy merged, and I am still unable to know exactly what was real. My gf left me (I think that was irresponsible of her, but whatever, that's probably just because I have negative feelings towards her anyways) to call her parents to pick her up, cause she was unable to drive from crying so much (it was a year long relationship).
My friend called me over, and I thought I already knew what she was going to say. I was expecting her to confess her love to me (she seemed shy), and was utterly confused when she told me normally I'm really nice, but I was being an asshole (she's really nice, which explains the shyness in saying that). I don't know why I thought she was gonna tell me she liked me, but regardless, I don't remember how I reacted. Maybe she left then. I stripped naked, and ran around hugging people, telling them we have to have sex. Even my close friends. In fact, this was because I related sex to love, and I was not at all thinking about sex in the way it is used. My friends were all freaking out. I told strangers who I thought had low self-esteem (because one was overweight, or because some other guy was homophobic) that I loved them, and that I loved everybody, even Saddam Hussein.
I don't know when my friend E got there, but he told me to put my clothes back on. I tried to pretend I was going to, and flung myself off that fucking boardwalk into 1/2 foot shallow water (there's glass, needles, and god know what else in there). My friends threw my boxers down to me so I could put them on, but I wanted to be free, and I threw them away into the water. I took my glasses off, said 'I hate these,' and flung those away as well (btw, I'm blind as hell without those glasses, but I think I could see fine that night, I don't quite remember). Two friends (one whom I think is an asshole because he never tries to do things for others) tried pulling me out of the water. I tried pulling them in, but they're both stronger than me, so they pulled me out.
At this point, these 2 friends (the 'asshole' being homophobic, which I guess goes to show he isn't that much of an asshole, if he's willing to overcome homophobia to dress up a naked guy) dressed me up, ignoring the fact they were dressing a naked guy. Now, this is the point where reality and fantasy split apart completely, and I'm in a fantasy world.
Reality: Somebody pointed out that my left ankle was sprained. Somebody else mentioned it was broken (I was walking on it fine, but to this day, it looks kinda different than my right ankle). I fell to what I remember (?) being my knees, and started shouting shit like 'I love you!,' 'I'm dead!,' 'I'm God!.' My friends, who were very far away in the grove could hear me (I wish I knew distances, but I suck at that kind of thing. But I don't think I would normally be able to scream that loudly). I tried grabbing people, and grabbed my sister, told her I loved her, and bit her tit, telling her we have to have sex (which sounds sick, but bear in mind that I was only thinking of sex symbollically representing love). I yelled out shit like I want to have sex with my parents, Saddam Hussein, my good friend E, and a bunch of other people.
Some cops were in the parking lot, so one of my friends distracted them, while those 2 other friends picked me up (they say I was very heavy that night, even though I only weigh 120 pounds) and took me to this guy's car. My gf at this point called my parents, and they showed up, thinking I was being beaten up or something (which makes me feel even more guilty). They put me in their car, and took me to the hospital, where they took an x-ray, stuck a catheter in me (walking on a very broken ankle didn't hurt, but I fuckin felt that catheter!). They put a cast on me, and I slowly started to become more coherent.
Fantasy: I thought that I knew the meaning of life, but that god had forsaken us, and I had to do something to save all of humanity. I was in the worst kind of emotional and mental pain. I felt as if everybody depended on me, and that only I could commune with god, because I was god. The entire world was in my head. I thought I heard cops yell 'Freeze!,' and point guns at me. Like a million of them. They looked so real. I pleaded with them, not to shoot me, that I only wanted to love people. They might have dissapeared, or shot me, I don't remember.
I also thought I told my sister and her boyfriend (the guy who helped pull me out of the water, the guy who I thought, and sometimes still think, is an asshole) that they didn't love each other, and that he has to leave her alone (he's a 20 year old coke dealer who gets arrested for stabbing people in public. She's an immature 15 year old brat who whines, complains, and tries to kill herself). I don't remember being taken into my friends car, but I remember thinking I was surrounded by a bunch of people in front of my house. They were all on top of me, in a circle, and kept morphing into other people. I said I wanted to die, that I was going to kill myself. I heard them saying 'No! Don't do it,' and then asking me if I'm sure. I told them that I had no meaning in life, and that I was useless. I was absolutely devastated when they agreed with me.
I decided to let myself die, willed myself to death, telling everybody that I love them (included my gf, but in her attempt to guilt-trip me, she never mentioned it to me until I reminded her). People sounded disgusted with the way I died. Then I thought I was dead. I was now in my parents car, going somewhere, but I didn't know where. I saw my body rotten, flesh missing from my legs, and the bone showing, but at the same time, seeing my pants. I saw my parents driving me to the hospital. My mind was spinning. I thought humans hated each other, they were doomed, I had to find a place where everybody does things out of love. And lo and behold, we pull up to a hospital, and I feel the revelation that this is that place. They put me on a stretcher, and wheel me in to a weird machine (the x-ray). I was terrified of it. I saw my parents talking to some lady, and they were laughing (I thought at me, at the time, but that's not very likely. They just try to make every situation as good as it can be).
Then they stick a catheter in me, and I felt myself flinch oddly. They start taking me into another room (I have no clue if I have a cast on at this point, but I really don't think so. I think I am paraplegic, that I fucked up permanently, that I was being taken down into the bowels of hell, where I would spend an eternity on a bed, unable to move, unable to see (I can't see cause the glasses are gone). I think I am having sex with the entire world. Complete loss of reality, not ego. I thought the nurse was having sex with me. I tried digging my foot into her (it never happened), and I started to have what I thought was an orgasm (I actually pissed myself) for a while.
Back to (pseudo) reality. I could see my parents next to the bed, and a doctor, and they asked my questions, but I couldn't answer, and I could hear them saying that I was still out of it. I kept asking why I took mushrooms, and my mom told me she didn't know why, and she asked me why (she was crying a lot). I started to come to, and they tried reminding me what I did. I was confused as to what the right thing to do would be (something that still plagues me, because I'm obsessed with doing the right thing, but I believe that you create the right thing, and it pulls me into a thought loop). So I apologized, some guy finished the cast the way on my legs, I pulled my pants on, and we left. The car ride was awkward. I don't remember if I spoke. I got home, wanted to call my gf (although it might have been ex-gf, cause i broke up with her, but it was while tripping. I guess I'll never know), but my parents told me she'd be pissed at me, and that I should wait until the morning. I went to sleep.
I woke up feeling very compromised. I have a natural insecurity about being naked (I'm skinny and pretty white, and those things are so petty, and yet they still bother me). I felt like I didn't deserve to live. I didn't want to face what I had done, I didn't want to think about it. Eventually I did, and I'm somewhat better, and have even used that experience as a springing board to keep evolving. My foot was in a cast for 4 weeks. My gf did forgive me, guilt-tripped me a bit, but I broke up with her later.
Was it worth it? I still don't know. I might rather have had that not happen to me at all. But I did learn. I might rather not have to learn, but without having to learn something, you won't learn it. So I believe. I try to force myself now to realize that people are different, and I don't know all their thoughts (which is good, cause if I did know their thoughts, then that would mean we are all the same). I still feel a little awkward when I think about those people who saw what had happened to me. I was the mushroom and acid guy. A lot of people knew me cause I did drugs.
I think I shocked a bunch of people that night. Apparently, it's become a big story. Every now and then I meet a person who asks me why I can't bend my ankle all the way, and when they find out, they say something along the lines of 'That was you?!.' I guess that's the only funny part about what happened. Some people are still dubious about my sexuality. Maybe that's funny too, but it's more sad than funny that people can't believe I think of sex as a form of love.
| Exp Year: 2003 | ExpID: 29819 |
| Gender: Male | |
| Age at time of experience: Not Given | |
| Published: Apr 4, 2006 | Views: 11,379 |
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| Mushrooms (39) : Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Hospital (36) | |
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