DOSE: T+ 0:00		oral	LSD	(liquid)
T+ 0:40	1.0 g	oral	GHB

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

The Bright White Mist -- When your mind finally reconnects all iterations of the universal fractal within a single moment.

Hey, so it had been approximately 4-5 months since my last LSD trip. I have approximately 15-20 of them under my belt, with most being in the 100-250 microgram range (estimate, of course). I typically acquire liquid lsd, and have been told that it is approximately 100 ug per drop.

The vial I had ran out, but I kept it in my drawer in hopes that I could rinse it and trip one more time. Well, this past weekend, I remembered that it was in there, and realized that I really wanted to trip again. It is the beginning of the school year, I haven't tripped in a few months, and I wanted to deal with some mental/emotional baggage that I had picked up recently.

I had no idea how much was in there, so I tried to have a light trip, but prepared myself for the possibility that I might not trip at all, and also that I might trip harder than I planned. The uncertainty of it was definitely a bit exciting, and in a way, really helped me to be more sure of my resolve.

I licked the inside of the top, the dripper insert thing, and added 15 drops of liquid to the vial in order to absorb anything coating the inner surface. I tried to drip 2 on the back of my hand, but it came out quick, and 4 hit my skin. There was a brief tinge of anxiety, but I quickly let that go and resolved myself to ride things out.

For me, I can almost instantly tell if I have any lsd in my system. There is an almost abstract feeling of muscle tension that is present for a few minutes, that fades away only to return as the initial signs of the 'coming up'. This first sign was a little stronger than I remembered, but I simply figured that I forgot the sensations of the chemical.

About 30-40 minutes later, I felt that buzzing return, but this time with much more intensity. I had a large amount of muscle tension and clenching. My jaw was clamping shut, and my hands were trembling. I quickly felt very dissociated, and I still wasnt really having any visuals. Never before had I felt this, and I realized that I was in for a pretty intense ride.

I was quite uncomfortable at this point, actually. I could not keep my hands from shaking, and everything in my body was tensing up. Some fear had developed at this point, since I was alone, and had not experienced this before...at least not to that degree.

I have a new (3-4 weeks) pet bearded dragon that is about 5-6 months old, and I decided to pick her up in hopes that being in contact with another living being would help relax me. Unfortunately, due to my obvious nervousness, she was very tense and would not allow me to hold her. I put her back in the terrarium, and layed down on my bed, which is right next to her.

The visuals began to become more and more apparent at this point. Strangely, instead of producing the standard trails and 'crawling' type visuals, it started creating strong fractal patterns. I can look out a very large window while laying down and see three very large and magnificent eucalypus trees. It was foggy and quite surreal.

At first, the fractals were integrated with the 3 dimensional space. As with most of my trips, if I 'let go', the 3rd dimension would disappear and the world became a flowing 2 dimensional plane of colorful fractals. That in and of itself was not particularly surprising. However, I noticed that unlike anything else I had ever experienced, the trees were all flowing into each other. It was as though I was looking through a kaleidoscope, to illustrate the type of movement that I mean. THAT was very impressive.

Beyond just that, though, I found that they would meld more and more, eventually flowing back out in the color white. I lost myself for X amount of time, and came back out. I remember the thought, 'wow, that has never happened before. VERY interesting.'

I tried to look back at my computer and read some email when I found that I simply couldnt view the screen as anything other than a lighted fractalized plane. I gave up and decided to watch the trees again. Additionally, due to the extreme body load, I decided to take a relatively small dose of ghb, approximately 1 gram. A few minutes later, my body began to relax, and I felt that I could finally let my mind flow.

I remember, next, that the whiteness was becoming more and more powerful. I could not resist it, and at this point, I actually did not want to resist it. I let go, and it overtook me.

After this point, there is no time; there is no me; there is no body; there is no universe; there is no pain; there is no anxiety; there is simply that moment, followed by that moment, and that moment again. I was nothing but a flow of thought. It was a strange mode of consciousness unfamiliar to me. My mind made logical connections with fluid grace, and I found myself remembering things that I had not thought of for years.

I entered a state of deep introspection. There was some elation, and some sadness, depending on what was being analyzed, but the actual subject was beyond my control.

Depending on the initial thought-stimulus, I found myself becoming either the center of reality, or the personification of scum. I could talk myself up or down within seconds. One second I was going to contribute a vital piece of information to humanity, and the next I felt as though I was the most self-centered human to ever live. I knew fundamentally though, that either extreme was just that, an extreme. The extreme low was too familiar as sober I am almost psychotically self-critical. The extreme high was terrifying because I am so afraid of developing a huge ego or a narcissistic personality. So, because I knew that neither was real, I had an important insight into my mind: I learned how to not take either seriously.

I also thought about the state of my room compared to the rest of the house. I realized that it is impossible for me to keep my room clean because of the fact that its state will come to a balance with the rest of the environment, which is extremely chaotic. I realized that it is opressive, depressing, and is keeping me from reaching my full potential. I am not comfortable enough to go into more detail, but never before had I ever seen those qualities before.

I realized just how important my friends are to me. I realized that I had been neglecting friendships out of anxiety, out of laziness, out of the subconscious desire to have SOMETHING that I can beat myself up about. I realized that the simple thing which seemed to me to be massively impossible was simply taking action.

After several more, very personal insights, I slowly slipped back into this reality. I even remember the process of my ego re-integrating with itself. The white mist/light regressed, and I could see trees again.

I slipped in and out of this state for 4-5 hours, and was in love with every moment of it. I never understood what true, egoless bliss was, until this. My powerful mushroom trip (hangin with dad in heaven) had a small amount that resembled this, but that was more ecstatic wheras this was more profoundly blissful. Where that was a white light of knowledge, this was a white light of merging with everything.

I 'dropped' at approximately 3:45pm, and started to come out of the peak around 8. I drifted in and out of the white mist for a couple hours, but never reached the totality of the initial few visits. Around 12:00 am, I finally felt like the peak was starting to drift away. I figure, by this amazing duration, that I took close to 700 micrograms, possibly more. In fact, even at 6:00 am the next day, the walls were still crawling slightly, and I felt as though I had taken a single average hit of lsd.

At approximately 11 pm, I called a friend and decided to go over to his house. I was well aware of the fact that driving a car would be suicide, and the only other mode of transportation was bicycle. I decided to go for it, and took my time getting ready. I took a shower (phenominal, of course), fed my bearded dragon (who had stopped looking at me as though I had gone insane), and hopped on the bike.

The ride was all downhill, and was really nice. The brakes werent that great, so I couldnt just let myself fly down the hill, but just keeping a nice, relaxed pace was thoroughly relaxing. I got to my friend's place, and we spent the rest of the night watching cartoons and talking about life. I shared with him many of the insights that I had, and asked for advice about alot of things that I became concerned about.

After finally feeling sober enough to go home, we took the bus (I asked him to ride with me, as I was still feeling kind of paranoid around strangers, and really wanted some company), and I was finally able to lay in bed.

I had a great sleep, with some very intense and vivid dreams. Today, I woke up feeling great. I felt energized, happy, lucid, and ready to go. It was the first day of school, and I felt as though this trip was exactly what I needed to gain some real perspective on myself. I can't say for sure if the changes that I want to retain actually are still there, but I do feel a bit different. Maybe a little more confidant, a bit more relaxed, more honest with myself regarding strengths and weaknesses, and with alot more motivation to succeed, in order to fulfill my real potential as a person.

So, as far as I can tell, this was an ego-loss (possibly death?) experience. It was profound, mindblowing, enlightening, wonderful, scary, easy, difficult, intense, and amazingly...completely natural... I hope to be able to return to the white mist in the future, but I do not believe that I can go back soon without lying to myself.

I have felt for a while that I understood what lsd did, and what its particular character is. Though I had alot of insight and even some intuition about what was to come, the reality of it was nothing that I could have prepared myself for. I recognized it for what it was, but it was beyond my ability to anticipate.

Amazing. Truly amazing.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 17069
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 19, 2004	Views: 24,700
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
LSD (2) : Mystical Experiences (9), Alone (16)