DOSE:

oral

Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

I am a 23 year old woman. My life has been pretty simple. Like everyone I have issues, some I'm working on, and one in specific I think, I resolved tonight.

I have been reading PIHKAL and find an interest in some drugs to be a form a therapy. For the past 10 years I had been angry at my father, you see, he died and the way that he went let me to believe he didn't love me. My mother and my father never married and that, where I come from is looked down upon. He had another family before my 2 sisters, my mother and me. Left them because he didn't want to be married to that other woman anymore, he didn't want a messy divorce being so much money involved and his reputation was at stake. Needless to say, we were his secret. I didn't find this out till I was 14 when he died. That week during his last days, I found that everybody we knew looked down on us thinking we were less for being daughters of the 'mistress'. Oh but my mother bless her soul, she was no mistress she stuck with him for 24 years of humiliation, hiding and illness finally. He would not let my mother go, she was stuck with him to fend for her daughters. When he died, we were left with nothing, I remember times of worrying about how we were going to eat the following day. We pulled through, and I never forgave him.

Tonight, I took some fungi ['8 pieces'], having read Shulgin's book, seeking healing. As it peaked, I went to my little zen garden, where I have my favorite stones, as I was in full experience I picked up a stone and held it upon the light of the candle, I said 'This is my sister...' Went on to discribing why it was her, and I did so for every person I love in my life with different rocks. I came upon one stone I had picked up at the beach a while ago and kept as part of my collection, as soon as I looked at it I knew it represented my father, this rock is a lovely shade of green and it has a bright red mark in center. As I looked closer and closer into it, I finally closed my eyes and I was back in my mother's bedroom, and my father was there sitting on the bed as I had seen him many times in my life, I was 12 years old again, I had had a very bad fight with my eldest sister, and I was very scared of her, she had always been very hurtful to me. I looked at my father and he said 'Don't be afraid, I'm always here, I will always be' I saw in his face a sadness I cannot discribe. I could feel the tears roll down my face violently as I was seeing all this in my head, but I let it go on. I realized he was still suffering after being dead 10 year because I would not forgive him and it was killing me inside. So that moment I said ' Dad, I am ok, I have people who love me, and I want you to be free, I want you to rest as you deserve'. He said he loved me and I said it too. I opened my eyes and I was back in my room in front of my rocks and my candles. My husband came in and held me after I told him what had happened.

Tonight I feel as though I have put something I had battled for a long time with to rest. I love my father and he loved me, society and appearances are so superficial they put my family in a difficult position, we have gotten over all that, and tonight, I forgive.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 15787
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Jun 12, 2018	Views: 869
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Mushrooms (39) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Families (41), Alone (16)