DOSE:

repeated

oral

Opioids

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

At one time in my life I could be stable. That was years ago. Now I wonder if I ever felt it. The cool breeze and fresh air in the morning. Now I wake up shaking in a cold sweat. Sometimes I'll cry for no reason. Sometimes I'll lose all hope. And it all started that summer night. I had appendicitis. In the hospital they were talking with my parents. Finally I couldn't bear the pain. It hurt so bad I was shaking. I asked my mother to ask the nurse if she could give me something for the pain. They mentioned the word Dilaudid and I read the label on the vial: Hydromorphone.

She submerged the needle in my skin. By the time she unwrapped the plastic band the pain was gone. No, not gone. Futile against the shield she had given me. I felt so happy. Not happy party-music-jumpy-fun happy. It was warm peaceful joy. I felt confident. I was gonna pull thru with the operation and all. I had a prescription for vicodin when I was released. That wasn't as good and I never thought much of it. Until 22 days later.

I tried 2 1/2 percocets when I got in a fight with my brother. I felt so good. I never wanted to leave that feeling. I listened to music and that first song I listened to was incredible, and to this day it is my favorite song. I knew somehow that my fight with my brother was useless and let it go. I apologized and closed my eyes. I was so happy I could cry. I had purpose in life. I slept like I was awake to enjoy it. This is when it started.

Now bear in mind I had other drug experience before this. The previous year I smoked weed like cigarettes (no joke) and did about everything but X, any opiate, coke, and acid.

From that night I started dosing when I felt I needed it. That grew to every morning. To twice a day. To 3. To 4. To 5 times a day. Then tolerance. Fuck that’s the worst part. During the end of those ten months it would take me 8 to 9 (40-45mg of oxycodone) to buzz. 10-12 to nod off. But let me tell more before I jump ahead.

It felt better each time I got off. I started snorting Oxycontin for a month at about 10-15 mg a time. That gave me the Rush. I would crush them up on the toilet paper dispensers every two periods. By the time I was back in the hall, everything was perfect. The girls giggling, the sound of lockers closing, the blur of passing students, and when chicks smile at me I would feel wonderful. After my connection ran out on Cotton (oxycontin) I went back to percs. I was taking so much when I woke up that I would have to wait in the bathroom at school so I could puke up last nights dinner. Then I would walk thru the halls feeling a mile high. People were so nice. The world was so nice. I loved everyone and they loved me. Not in a sexual way but in a caring way.

Now withdrawals. The hated part of addiction. All the pain coming back times the days I was taking them. That subsided in two days sometimes three. Now the depression. Crying. All the time. But thru all this I managed to pick that bitch monkey up and throw him on my back so he can fuck me one more time. But I would do anything to get that feeling again. Only two weeks without them and I cry everyday. Sometimes I lose it and chug some booze or eat some Dramamine to help me sleep so there is that much life to live thru.


But alas, I have been without it for this long why not stay? Well that and my source is dry. Or I would be on my couch nodding off right now. I'm going to a 45 day inpatient rehab, of my own accord.

These drugs actually didn't change the way I thought (besides feeling good about everything) like weed or shrooms, I could still talk straight and function socially.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 15256
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 16, 2006	Views: 11,775
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Opioids (407) : Various (28), Depression (15), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)