DOSE:

insufflated

Methamphetamine

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

My first experience with meth-amphetamine was about ten years ago in san francisco. I had moved there to go to art school. A friend asked me if I had ever done speed, I said no but was interested. She gave me a 1/4g. It sat in a box on my desk for about 4 months, and one night when I had nothing particular to do, I remembered this little package. I think I did only a line or two, but the effect was very profound. I literally sat in a zazen posture for 4-6 hours (fyi zazen is a highly practiced zen meditation technique) physically, my body felt very toned and alive, my mind was alert. Posed. I experience my breath like I never had before. I remember thinking 'I can breathe' my entire life I have battled severe sinus and asmatic problems. My head felt 'light' and 'open' almost floating. The experience was very meditative. I felt connected with my self and others who I loved. I felt my mind could travel and somehow touch them. Later I did some writing and art work, the come down was a little bumpy but something to get use to. A sort of restless calm.

My next experience would be a few years later, when I entered a very passionate relationship with a heavy meth user (as he had been on ritalin his entire youth - and no doubt his metabolism had developed certain necessities). He was a psychology professor, so he had some idea of what he was doing and not just out of control. For about six months we lived a very interesting lifestyle. I will say I experienced some of the most profound experiences of my life in that period of time. We developed a cycle of up 4 and down three. And those 4 days/nights were anything but dull. I became obsessed with documenting our experience, everything that was happening around us, experimental text, writing poetry, film scenes darting in and out of my mind. There was always this other world that felt as if it was just around the corner - we truly had departed from the conventional - and that perhaps was the real danger. Not that we couldn't exist in the space we had created for ourselves (and here entropy does start to play a part) but that the rest of the world just didn't revolve at our pace. If you've ever read the philosophy of nietzche or jung - the essence of being is experience. The richness of that experience is determined by ones willingness and ability to allow it to happen.

At the end of that six months things really went to hell. We broke up (over money - what else) and I found my self without a job, home or any real stability. But got through it. Moved back to new england. You have to learn about yourself. When to say no, as well as when to say yes.

I'm moving back to that 'yes' phase of my life. William s burroughs says a good habit is all about availability and opportunity, something I don't have much of in my small new england town. So a while ago in nyc I had a chance to treat myself to very fine yaba - and after 6 years it was very fine. I know there is a something that permanently resonates with this mesh of chemicals in my brain - and the words r e s p o n s i b l e u s e r - have the deepest meaning they've ever had. The connection to my own feelings - the feeling of others.

My advice to anyone thinking of using meth or any other drug - understand it's your life, connect to your feelings and the feelings of other people. Write. Muse. Experience. See what you believe. Give peace a chance. All you need is love.

It's hard to be good to ourselves sometimes - but hold on to you and what makes you uniquely you - and if you can sense something beautiful in this world - feel it. Be it.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 14578
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Apr 7, 2005	Views: 9,073
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Methamphetamine (37) : Various (28), Retrospective / Summary (11)