DOSE:

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

70 kg

I was in a bad place, personally (cPTSD) and professionally, before this trip. In fact, that’s the main reason I decided to take shrooms, as suggested by one of my close friends.

I took a cold shower and around 22:30, I lemon tekked the shrooms. I did not actually weigh it. I just went by my instincts and took what seemed like approximately 3g of APE shrooms. I drank the whole lemon tek along with shrooms and laid down comfortably and covered myself with the blanket, after switching on dim lights. I decided to watch the “Iceland” episode of “Moving Art” on Netflix, as I wait for the come up, since that’s my favorite place on this earth and it’s my dream to visit that place.

I started feeling relaxed and mild effects within 15 minutes. Then, it suddenly started getting intense and before I knew what’s happening, I was feeling like I was the water flowing through the waterfalls, all the trees growing on a mountain, and fresh snow falling from the sky. I became everything that I saw on my screen. It was the most surreal feeling. I felt like I was there, in Iceland, in the form of every creature, nature, and everything. Unfortunately, the episode ended soon. This is where it gets tricky.

I started staring at the walls and I could see them moving in a wavy manner. It felt like they are sentient and they are breathing. Then, I suddenly remembered Terrence McKenna and I wanted to do his “the dark room, alone, eyes closed, and no music” thing. I switched off the lights and just closed my eyes. As I put my head on the pillow, it felt like I am free falling in space. It was very vivid and it felt like I was falling through many planets, stars, comets, magnetars, binary stars, stardust, and so many infinite things. I could see the whole universe unraveling before me – the birth of cosmos, life, and death. I was still falling through and I had to open my eyes to make sure I am still on my bed.

As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw what felt like a million pairs of eyes staring back at me. My wall, laptop, bed, fan, and everything around me was nothing but a pair of eyes. It freaked me out. Slowly, I felt like all those eyes are same as my eyes. I switched on the light and it wasn’t the same anymore. I couldn’t see those eyes but it felt like I am not in my room. It’s like I was sitting under a very bright star. There was no empty space around me. Everything around me felt like fractal patterns of interconnected geometrical figures and they were moving like fluid but without losing their shape. My room felt like an infinite space with no ending to it. I became totally paranoid. I felt like I am going crazy and these visuals will never stop. I, tried, to distract myself and put on some music. I played “Dorset Perception” by Shpongle and I have never felt such a beautiful piece of music in my life. Every part of my being was sound and music.

I realized the only way is to give in to the experience. I completely surrendered myself. It felt like everything around me started talking to me in an unintelligible way and in some weird language but I felt like I understood it. I started hearing shrooms talking and I had a full-blown conversation with them about love, life, existence, death, and everything that I could think of. It felt like the conversation went on for what felt like years but I checked the time and it hasn’t even been six minutes since the last time I checked the time. I had a biased, and illogical view on a set of people speaking a certain language. It’s not like I hated them but I used to avoid these people. I used to distance myself from them. I considered them as fanatics. During the conversation with the shrooms, it felt silly and absurd. Felt like I understood their perspective. In a way, everyone is fanatic, proud, and over-protective about something (including me). The notion that I judged them for their beliefs about their language made me feel so stupid. I could feel these feelings being ripped away from my core, in a violent manner.

There were so many other things in my life that I was running away from. But in this moment, I was running away from something only to meet the same thing I was running away from, again. I was stuck in this loop for a while before I finally gave in and faced them (had to omit few details here as they are extremely personal). While this was all happening, my physical body was contorting in different shapes. Fingers in my hand were making different gestures. It didn’t make sense but felt good and divine. I felt a tightness in my chest. I felt like I forgot how to breathe and not breathing. I, consciously, had to remind myself to breathe. My jaw, arms, and my whole body seemed to keep on expanding. I was inhaling and exhaling deep breaths. I drank a lot of water and have never tasted anything so delightful in my entire life.

After a while, I saw a silhouette of a person walking in all the possible directions at the same time. I know it doesn’t make sense but it was like walking up, down, right, left, forward, backwards, and other directions at the same time. I had this instinct that this person knew answers to my every question. I chased that silhouette but couldn’t catch it. It stopped when I stopped chasing it and as it looked back, I realized it was my silhouette. It merged with me. That felt painful as fuck. My whole world spun around. I didn’t understand anything. At this point – what seemed like the peak – the music, the words, and everything stopped making sense. While I tried to text my friend, I could see every word breakdown into nothing. I couldn’t even type. I could only understand nothing but visuals. I could just see and feel it.

I stopped the music. My head fell on my pillow and felt like I am one with everything. Connected with everything. I couldn’t feel my body. I saw how a single consciousness manifesting into every living creature that ever existed. It felt like I am dead, out of my body, and looking at the whole thing from a third person perspective. I saw all my pain, sufferings, and problems. I could see how worried I am about them. For some reason, I couldn’t help but laugh at them and myself. They didn’t matter, anymore. Seemed trivial. I was inundated with pure and overwhelming bliss, peace, love, happiness, content, gratitude, and thankfulness.

At this point, I felt like one can never truly understand this immense and immaculate state of blissfulness but just experience it. This feeling is incredibly hard to explain as I am not good with words but I’ll try. I – not my physical self but consciousness - felt like I am everything and nothing, at the same time. I was everywhere and nowhere, simultaneously. I was past, present, and future, at the same instant. The concept of time ceased to exist. I was colorless, odorless, shapeless, formless, and just nothing. I wasn’t someone’s son, brother, lover, grandchild, engineer, friend, or anything. I JUST AM. It felt like the truest form of one’s self. I could see how I am one with every living and non-living thing. Everything and everyone are interconnected to everything and everyone in the most harmonious and beautiful way. It’s hard to describe but I felt like I understood what truly oneness and being one with everything means. I was in this state of perpetual and never-ending bliss for what felt like eternity of the eternities.. This felt very natural and realer than the reality we are living in. I, later, realized that while all of this was happening there was nothing but a smile on my face along with tears continuously rolling down my cheeks, not because I was sad or happy. But it just did.

During the comedown, I felt more alive than I’ve ever felt. Felt like I was reborn after vicariously living countless number of lives forever. I realized I am coming down. I was just laying on my bed surrounded by the most heart-warming silence. I did not move, speak, or do, anything, for over an hour. I was just awestruck, amazed, and peaceful. Every moment of it was filled with tranquility. I checked my phone and I realized it was 06:00 in the morning. I had this urge to go out in the nature. Took my bike and started driving towards the outskirts of the city (I was in my senses by now) by listening to calming melodious piano/violin/cello music. Everything felt new. It felt like I am experiencing the cool breeze for the first time in my life. I stopped somewhere and touched the leaves of a plant like it is my first time. I saw morning dew on the grass and touched it just to feel it. It seemed so beautiful and fresh. I saw birds flying like it’s a miracle. It was really like I came into this world just now and experiencing all of these things for the first time. It’s the most calming and beautiful feeling in the world. I saw a snail crawling on the road, picked it up, and placed it on the grass. I felt this deep sense of appreciation for every little thing and every living being in this world. I realized, sober mind is the most underrated thing in this world. We take it for granted but honestly, the right balance of the sober mind to perceive and see the world in this way is the most special thing. It’s like you will realize the value of sun only when the weather is freezing cold. I am thankful and grateful to psychedelic state of mind but equally appreciate the sober mind, too.

Whatever I have written down here is only that small part of the trip that I could put into words. Most of it is unexplainable, indescribable, and inexpressible. This trip has left me with nothing but peace, tranquility, content, thankfulness, gratitude, love, and harmony. Not like this trip alone has solved all my problems but now, I know how to face them and work on them. I feel the unwavering will to focus on the betterment of myself and improving my life. I have started implementing many things, already. I have never felt more hopeful, ever. Overall, it truly is an ineffable and unforgettable experience of my life. Peace.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116660
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Sep 30, 2022	Views: 772
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Music Discussion (22), General (1)