DOSE:

repeated

smoked

Toad Venom

BODY WEIGHT:

190 lb

I participated in spiritual retreat in Mexico where we took breakthrough doses 9 days in a row. 5-Meo blasted through my ego's defenses far beyond anything I've ever experienced. I completely lost awareness/consciousness for the first 5 minutes of each trip. I wasn't aware of this - but my body was rolling around on the grass, screaming, tensing, pulling out clumps of earth. They say it's a good thing - unconscious trauma being released. Everyone reacts differently. When I came to I was breathing hard, lying on the grass and all scratched up.

Looked up around at my group, I felt like I was in the realm of spirits. Physically, my location was the same, but it seemed like I had transcended to the next dimension. Where every shimmering particle suspended in the air all around me is pregnant with meaning and mystery. Where we didn't speak through our physical instruments - our mouth and our body - we spoke with our fucking souls man. And mine was right there on the surface, bare and tender and vulnerable. As I stood, trembling, tripping absolute ballsack, everyone looked at me with a knowing smile. And they chanted and sang for me. And that beauty and support flowed in directly like a white light and nourished my being. It felt like it transcended time, healing me from when I was a child, but perhaps even before that.

Every day I would set a different intention. And the 5-meo would take me there. I wanted to feel more present in life - I got it. I wanted to tap into my core wounds and feel them. It brought me right fucking there - and it was excruciating. I wasn't ready for that one. Incredibly direct access to emotional and spiritual depth. Deep and profoundly soul-cleansing.

But it was not a gentle and delicate affair, oh no. It felt like 5-Meo was cleansing out my soul with 1000 firehoses full power blasting purifying light into my very core, scouring out every nook and cranny. Every morning when I sat in front of that pipe, I was fucking terrified. Even moreso the second time I did it, when I knew what was going to happen. With the pipe in front of me, trembling, it felt like I was in a plane at 30000 feet with the door wide open and the wind blasting, and I was about to jump out with no parachute. And I learned to trust in the universe and take that leap every time. That was one of the most profound lessons it has instilled in me.

It went into my dreams too. I tripped more times in my dreams than I did in my waking experience. And believe me, those experiences felt just as terrifying, intense, and real. The first couple of nights I would wake up in my bed shaking, know that the second I dozed off I would be sitting back in front of that pipe, about to inhale. This kept happening until I learned to welcome the ride for what it is.

Taking it every day, my conceptions of self and ego gradually dissolved. By the 5th or 6th day, I felt like I was on a mild dose of mushrooms every single moment of my waking experience. Even when I wasn't tripping. My heart was wide fucking open, and all the colors were soft and vibrant. I naively thought before coming to this retreat: "hey, I'm willing to let go!". But I started to feel my very self dissolve, like a million fuzzy rainbow particles gently floating up in the sky. Was I willing to let go of my very personality - the things that make me, me - my humor, my amazing memories, my courage ? It was scary, man. Many people, on 5-meo, experience an invitation to truly die - to surrender all of their earthly possessions, identities and connections. I never got that invitation, but I cannot imagine the courage that it takes to take that leap. Those are the realms you deal with when you take 5-meo.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 116291
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jul 31, 2022	Views: 697
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Toad Venom (46) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Group Ceremony (21)