DOSE:

repeated

insufflated

Ketamine

Ketamine and Purgatory: Day of Relapse

I have always had a novel experience of ketamine thus far. Venturing into the abyss has been my favorite undertaking always; 50 hits of LSD or 30 grams of mushrooms, I’ve never shied away from complete annihilation. Sometimes I look back on the moments the shook me the most and I can never forget the fear of death and purgatory. I never went to a heavenly place, it was always obliteration and complete agony. I always went back despite the fear, and I continue to seek answers about those moments.

Ketamine is something I can never let go of. My first experiences in the K hole, listening to Ghosts ( I - V) and always feeling total peace, like swimming in a sea of sound and color. It was my favorite journey because I never felt fear. I always felt like I was touching the strings of immortality, channeling my life force into the afterlife. I was transferring my consciousness into the database of the ether that is beyond physical reality, and in death when I go there so will be the content of my K hole.

This journal will describe my experience of a dark time in my ketamine use. It was always a 5 to 10 gram binge over a week, I never stood for less. Most the time I would lay in bed with headphones in, listening to industrial, psytrance or ambient electronic synth. At this point it was my 4th or 5th 5-gram bag since I started using, and my tolerance had been quite high. This is when my trips started to get dark.

I was listening to hesitation marks by Nine Inch Nails. An eerie excerpt of ambience plays in the beginning, something only described with old vintage equipment malfunctioning, squeaking of doors and demonic grumbling. It set the stage for my fall from Grace. The following song is Copy of A, which is just how the ketamine trip feels, it’s as if he describes the experience itself.

We are only shells of who we really are, and ketamine shows us that we are a shadow of the self. We have purpose but we will always come short to what is truly real about our purpose. We think we are the ego but really we are the unconscious, we are the self that is beyond our ability to cognize. We are just a copy of that real self, and in normal reality we are only doing what we are told to do.

So in reality we always fall short to accomplishing the desires of the real self, and in our pursuit of truth we enter the dark sea of unconscious and try to override it with ego. There is a process we undergo when in the k hole. We try to sink into that field of unconscious, but the ego in its prowess tries to steal from it instead of becoming it. This conflict is the base of my ketamine trip.

I entered the place I feared the most on my high dose trips with LSD and mushrooms. I became my own death, and I was being punished. I was reset to the bottom of purgatory, waiting to be incarnated again. I noticed that something about my karma was tainted, I was an imperfect soul and the reason for my suffering in this life was because inside I am demonic.

I don’t understand why, but I am being punished in this life. And I continue to repeat this life over and over again, and I will not leave until I right my wrongs. I saw the purgatory, it’s like being in a high place but underground, and looking into a sea of souls, and you see the ones that mattered to you most, and you see all of their suffering. You suffer with them because you know you could have done better to alleviate their suffering. In this limbo there is no beginning or end, it’s permanent, even a second there is forever.

I’ve been there on mushrooms and now I was seeing it on Ketamine. My takeaway is this: When there is a cycle in reality, that you must right your wrongs in this life, you can never feel the peace of afterlife until that change is fulfilled. You will always suffer until the karmic cycle is broken, you will always be alone with your fears, and other’s suffering until you can make it right.

It’s a grim cycle, and I resent those around me for making my life miserable, but I know I am bonded to them by my own choices, whether in another life or in a place before life we cannot understand, but we are able to write off that part of our story one day, and once that is fulfilled, we can enter the afterlife in peace, alone and unbothered, and wait with ourselves, our music, light and consciousness, for the next undertaking in whatever reality we choose.

This limbo state is rarely spoken of but is the place in which all the psychedelic states lead eventually. It’s the psychic presence of the death of the body, it is the knowing you are dead, wondering why things have to be the way they are. It’s complete knowingness of the results of your death, and the tragedy it brings to those around you. Peace can only follow through the completion of the life you were given, in a way the ties all the loose ends, until no bonds exist except who you were, and nothing will remain, just you, the field of limbo, and a new arrival of of life beyond death.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 116285
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: May 21, 2022	Views: 784
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Ketamine (31) : Unknown Context (20), Music Discussion (22), Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1)