BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

[Erowid Note: It's not clear if the substance described in this report was dried Bufo alvarius secretion, or 5-MeO-DMT derived from another source.]

Reported Substance: "Bufo/5-MeO"

I am writing this trip report 5 days after my experience with 5-MeO DMT (Bufo). I had originally hoped to document my experience immediately after it transpired but it was such a powerful (and in some ways destabilizing) experience that it was hard for me to even articulate what happened clearly for a few days. Now I am writing in hopes of preserving the memory, as I sense the experience is starting to fade away in much the same way as dreams do upon waking.

I'll begin by saying that my motivation for seeking out this experience was curiosity about nature and the mind...a desire to grow spiritually and to become a better, and more whole person. As long as I can remember, I have been "on the scent" of something, I can't say what it is, and my foray into psychedelics has been an expression of this search. I realize that my searching is, in and of itself, an expression of a feeling of lack or incompletion in my being. I'm starting to take that feeling of lack less and less seriously, and my searching appears to be changing in vibe from a frantic, needy energy to a more childlike curiosity and wonder.

About 4 years ago I had a very harrowing experience with Ayahuasca. It was brutally difficult, not just for me, but also for the people that had to look after my body as it flailed around in a full psychotic breakdown. Naturally, I was very afraid of falling back into this space with the Bufo but I have come to a point since the Ayahuasca experience where I felt much stronger and more grounded in myself, and felt prepared to venture back there.

I met the Bufo facilitator/shaman (I will call him "R" moving forward) at a pretty little house with a lush green backyard and swimming pool. The weather was perfect, sunny but a little chilly, with not too much wind. He explained the process to us (I participated in the ceremony with a close friend, I will call him J) and drove home the point that the most important thing to do is a "full send". I laughed and understood exactly what he meant. Then, we made our way to the grassy area and sat on the mat where we would be partaking. We started by taking a small micro-hit of the Bufo substance in order to calm our minds and step into the medicine space a bit. R lit a torch and heated up the crystals, and I took a small inhale of the vapor. It had a familiar earthy-metallic flavor that reminded me of the taste of N-N DMT (which I had done once a few years ago). The effect was subtle but definitely noticeable. I felt my body relax and my legs weakened ever so slightly. We sat on the mat and did some movement and stretching, a bit of tapping Qi-Gong, and a few rounds of Wim Hof breathing. I felt very centered and relaxed. The little bit of anxiety I felt prior to the ceremony was mostly gone and I was ready to dive in.

My friend J moved off to the side of the mat and sat on the grass in cross legged meditation posture. I remember feeling very grateful and safe having him here to watch over my body as I went through this experience. Between his presence, some encouraging and loving texts I received from my wife just prior to ceremony, and the positive and confident vibe I was feeling from the facilitator, my set and setting couldn't have been more perfect. R handed me the pipe we would be using to smoke the substance and told me to "program" it with my intention for the journey. I held it between the palms of my hands in prayer position and kept it very simple...I just repeated the word "Love. Love. Love. Love..."

We then went over the technique for inhalation, hands at your sides, slowly inhale so as to not jar the crystals around in the pipe, then move your hands upward above your head while increasing inhalation intensity to maximize the amount of vapor that fills the lungs... then R began to light the medicine, and I started to inhale... I remember feeling surprised at how much vapor I was able to keep inhaling at the peak of my hands being raised above my head. I held as long as I could, and noticed reality starting to pixelate and distort, almost like I was seeing everything through fragmented clear crystalline lenses. R encouraged me to take another hit, I don't recall whether I took it or not, and felt myself laying down and getting sucked into a vortex in a different dimension. Things started to feel very loud and very, very fast...

I'm not sure if I realized it while I was inside, but the first part of the trip takes me in an instant exactly into the space of terror I was trapped in during my Ayahuasca trip. I feel like I am infinitely falling over myself, like my mind cannot stop tumbling, and the content is rushing through my senses at a million miles an hour. There is nowhere for me to catch my footing and I am utterly stricken by panic. I cannot feel where my body begins and ends, and frankly, I don't even know what a "body" is. I feel like a disembodied mind that has become trapped in a cyclone of insanity, utterly uncomfortable, completely disequilibriated (I don't think that is actually a word, but it captures the feeling perfectly). Every time I have a thought like "this can't be happening" I feel like the medicine answers "IT IS HAPPENING!" in way that feels extremely frightening to me. Every so often I "remember" that my body does exist somewhere far away, but I will never return to it, and I will stay stuck in this tumbling hell realm forever. I have a flicker of a vision of my saddened wife and friends watching my body writhing around forever, while subjectively I continue to fall through my mind for eternity.

I feel like I have become pure terror and horror, and as I become aware of the fear, the fear feeds on itself and grows even larger, in turn causing even more fear, in a vicious cycle. I came to ceremony to become a better father, husband, and friend and now I had ruined and severed all of those relationships forever and caused so much pain for myself and everyone around me. In the midst of this cognitive, physical, and spiritual hurricane I sense/hear a woman with deep compassion and concern in her voice saying "Relaxxx! Baby!! It's OK ! Please relax! You're ok!!!" It reminds me of my wife's voice but I also sense it's the voice of the Medicine, or the voice of the entire universe, or God, trying to calm me down. I cannot fathom being able to "let go" in such a confused state. All of my intention and control and ability to "allow things to be" or "let go into the resistance" feel like tiny leaves in the eye of a hurricane. And yet somehow, at a certain point the letting go starts to sink in on its own.

Although the disorientation is familiar, something is different this time around. Maybe it is because I had this very same panic attack on Ayahuasca, and the sounds and and imagery were very similar, that somewhere deep in my subconscious I knew everything would be ok and I would come out of this. As soon as even a glimmer of this sense of possibility came into the experience, just that one tiny drop of light (BOOM!!!) filled and spread through the entire soup of chaos, it spread through all of existence, and brought order to it... and the order became a vision of INFINITE BEAUTY symbolized and crystallized with an image of my infant daughter sleeping in my wife's arms. And my wife behind her cradled by the rest of Creation appearing as gorgeous jeweled warm vibrating fractal patterns. I see this vision of simple perfection and innocence in the MOST HIGH definition. A higher resolution than my normal waking consciousness. A gorgeous song with a beautiful mantra is playing in the background and I am witnessing a celebration of all of creation captured in this beautiful tiny little baby's face. A celebration of all universal existence. Everything is already complete and perfect. You are here to protect and guard Beauty with a capital B. Your little daughter is just one expression of it. Look around. Look at my grasses and trees and the birds in the air. Everything is ALREADY a celebration. You don't need to do anything more grand than this. Just watch over my creation and enjoy it. You ARE IT also! The moment has the feeling of a perfect tiny little diamond or jewel, or like the middle of a sparkler, right where the beautiful tiny little mini sparks are shooting out. It's so innocent and small and dainty and held by the colossal loving power of the entire existence.

I start to come to my senses slowly, I see R's face appear to my left and he says something to me, I interpret it as "you're ok now you're back" and I feel a wave of relief wash over me. I close my eyes and feel a deep deep silence. And from the womb of that silence, way down deep in my body, comes an old old cry, it feels like it has been waiting to surface for decades, maybe longer. It's so cathartic to let it out. A deep and beautiful wailing pours out of me. I feel completely emptied out. I cycle back between laughing and crying deeply and it feels better than anything I've ever felt before in body and mind. After laying and basking in the warm glow for a few minutes I sit up and turn towards R and J who are both smiling. I laugh and cry simultaneously. I see the planes and birds flying overhead and just marvel at the miracle that is always unfolding all around me. I sense into my vision and memory of my grandmother Tidja who passed away, and bow in reverence at the grass just beyond my mat like she used to when she prayed (she was a practicing Muslim and would perform prostrations during her prayers on her mat). My forehead touches the grass and I turn my hands upward towards the sky. I remember sitting up and hugging myself, rubbing my own shoulders, and really embracing myself and just shooting beams of love and appreciation into my own body. It felt like I was embracing my 7 year old self and just reassuring him that everything was not only OK, but fucking incredible and wonderful. Life is a Great Gift.

I am currently reading a book called Journey of Soul Initiation by Bill Plotkin. In it he defines the human soul not as a ghost floating around in and controlling your body but rather as the YOUR UNIQUE PLACE in your ecological niche. What you are here to do. I saw my soul in that vision of my daughter's tiny glowing warm fractal face. My mythopoetic identity as a "Guardian of Beauty" or "Protector of Childhood Innocence" felt like it was being revealed to me. The Beauty I saw in my daughter's face is the same Beauty that was making the grass grow and animating the rest of the natural world all around me. I am here to be a strong steward for all of That and to enjoy it as well.

A part of me wonders if my body was just euphoric at the relief of escaping from the hellish confusion of the come-up of this medicine. Another part of me is just so grateful for what was revealed, and the style in which it was relieved, that I don't care what happened and have little desire to explain or analyze it. I know what happened. I remember. And I will hold that perfect little moment in memory forever. It is here with me even now. The Wonder. The Gratitude. The fucking REVERENCE for this Life. Not just my Life, but the Big Life that is the entirety of creation. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.

"A soul centric society begins with the care of childhood innocence"

-Bill Plotkin

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 116022
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 24, 2022	Views: 971
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)