DOSE:

2 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. semilanceata

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

Background: Generalised anxiety disorder, following childhood trauma.

The start of the trip was following 2g of dried Liberty caps; at least that was my assumption - there were around 70-80 Liberty caps. The first gram I had soaked in lemon juice and following the consumption of these I felt nothing. I assumed I had built up a tolerance after consuming 0.5g 2 days earlier. I then decided to take the last gram that I had and decided to run some errands in town.

Whilst out I started to notice enhanced sound and vision and could feel something building, so I made my way home quickly. I laid down on my bed, put some headphones in and started listening to Mozart’s Lacrimosa. Very soon I started to have visuals both with my eyes open and closed. I started to see very detailed paint texture on the ceiling and then beautiful shapes like snowflakes on the ceiling too, which I've later learnt are fractals. When I closed my eyes the red from the sun was intensely bright and filled me with incredible warmth. The choir in Lacrimosa were lifting me up to what felt like the heavens and I found myself in a crucifix position in pure ecstasy. Following this I found myself diving for the window sill in order to look directly into the sun and the effects were dramatic; the particles and colours and feelings were pure ecstasy and the love I felt was more intense than anything I've felt. I was immediately reduced to just being fixated on the sun in a loving gaze. I reached an extreme level of being filled with love that I can’t describe nor remember. I flopped back onto the bed, I think and the order of events is very difficult to recall as time vanished.

After the ecstasy of the beginning of the trip I started to sense that god was a woman and I believe this was confusion with yearning for a mother - this I understood was something deep-rooted that I've yearned for since being a small child. I opened my eyes and found that I was repeating “mother”. I then had a visual of being a baby and seeing the umbilical chord stretching up. I believe I was in the womb. There were feelings of being protected.

At the beginning of the trip I had told myself I wanted to know the meaning of everything and I wanted to be cured of my deep rooted anxiety. I knew in the trip that the deep anxiety and pain resided in my gut. I then experienced mushrooms which grew from my gut and came out of my mouth. As the mushrooms were uprooted from my gut, all the pain that was stored there was pulled out of me, this was a feeling of intense relief. Despite all of this healing, I realised that the me as a child was not healed. I had to heal the child that I was too and when I did, I said he’s ok, he’s ok and that felt settled, I could let go. I can’t explain where the ecstasy came from after that, maybe I can’t describe it, I just know it. I then saw the most incredible moving geometric shapes and in this fabric, the shapes were turning inward like a barber’s pole. Scattered across this fabric were small jester faces and chequered patterns.

I had a full convulsion body orgasm and I groaned and exhaled as this occurred, I surrendered to it. I took the deepest breaths I ever had that went on forever. I stretched my jaw and my back and these stretches went on forever with all the knots and stress leaving my body.

I dived face first into the bedsheets and felt I had to suffocate my ego, to kill it and as I did so my face sunk into the duvet and all I saw were dark geometric landscapes. I felt I had already touched heaven and as the trip evolved into darker visuals and landscapes I felt I was going into a hell but I had seen god/love and I knew that hell was the ego and made up. I didn’t fear it, this quickly dissolved the dark images, I think.

The next stage of the trip was the longest and the most terrifying.

As it changed, I felt I had been as far as you can go and further in than anyone has before. I felt that I had seen the truth and that I am god and that everyone is me, well not me but the one “I” and there was severe loneliness as I existed alone and this was because I knew everyone else was me. Maybe this lonely feeling was the ego hanging on. I realised that we go around thinking I am just me because that is the whole point. The beautiful trick that God is all things and doesn’t know it itself. Alan Watts had it right. I also heard his quote: when you get the message, hang up the phone. My ego started to get more involved and I left my bed, I felt I had lost my life and said how can I carry on with life now that I know what the truth behind all reality. I thought I would have to live as Eckhart Tolle does. I began to yearn to be the little me again. I went into the bathroom and the patterns on the marble floor tiles were all moving, I saw through and into my arms and this was terrifying. My hands in front of me, were vivid in colour and were orange and as if not belonging to me. I went into the bathroom again and thought I was losing my mind. I chattered, crying like my mother “I don’t want to lose my mind!”, or something like that. The horror. A lot happened after. I was on my knees at the top of the stairs, I thought I had already died. I went to my phone to see if my wife had called, then I said to myself “am I my wife?”. I was so terrified that I went up to my daughter’s bedroom, hoping to sleep and get away from this. I felt a hand on the back of my head, this was calming. I asked to be back in my body as the little me and yearned for my old problems and my worries, which at this moment were the heaven I yearned for. I was choosing to be back as I was and not wanting to live in the truth as it would completely shatter my sense of self.

I heard my wife come in and my daughter was having a meltdown (this actually happened and wasn’t a trip). I went into see them in the kitchen and my wife couldn’t calm her down. I just sat on the floor, everything looked cold, like the tungsten white balance on a camera. The usual stress I would feel in this situation wasn’t there. I went back to flop on the bed. I felt infinity as time no longer existed. This was hellish. I didn’t think I was coming back but I gradually did, in very long eternal stages. As the trip drew to a close, I phoned my wife and walked out to meet them in the park. I’ve never felt so good and so much love before. The dull pain of anxiety that has resided in my gut for decades was finally gone, I now want to live for others and I've never felt so light. As I write this now my back is still loosening up after years of stress now dissipating. I'm struggling now to understand what I saw and felt but I feel a huge shift in everything.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 115921
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 38
Published: Dec 21, 2021	Views: 1,228
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Mushrooms - P. semilanceata (90) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)