DOSE: T+ 0:00	2.7 g	oral	Mushrooms
T+ 1:20	0.9 g	oral	Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

Psilocybin for Depression and Social Anxiety

I'll start with my life and mental state before the trip. My life was empty. They say the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality, and my life didn't have much of either. I spent most of my time on some form of distraction, mainly the internet. I was socially anxious and depressed, finding it hard to have the motivation to do my job properly. I would often get insecure about whether my friends liked me, and found it hard to be myself around people. Like I would think of a joke to say, but then I would get anxious in case people wouldn't find it funny, so I wouldn't say it. I also felt like sometimes I was battling my brain, like I would be hanging out talking to someone and being in the moment, then I would become self aware and sad and would have to battle my self awareness to focus on the conversation and what was actually happening. And I felt like I had to perform, like I would be smiling one second then become self aware and the next second it felt like I was forcing the smile.

I won't go into fine details about the trip. Tripping for depression isn't the same as tripping for a good time. I read How To Change Your Mind (Michael Pollan) and The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide (James Fadiman).

My trip was mostly fun and exciting, I didn't have any fear, but when I was coming down and my ego was becoming stronger it was like I felt all my insecurity at once. There was no ignoring it, I felt terrible about myself, and I realised all my depression and anxiety came from my low self-esteem. I cried for maybe 40 minutes until I built up the courage to talk to my trip sitter. I asked for a hug and asked if he loved me, and he said yes, which made me feel much better.

Now for after the trip. I was visibly different. I had interests again, I could talk to people and not be in my head. I wore gender non-conforming clothes in public one time, which normally would make me incredibly anxious. I had deep talks with both my parents and improved our relationships. I'm more open than I was before, and I can still think back to the connection I felt to everything during my trip and it makes me feel connected to the people around me instead of fearful, even if they're strangers. Before I only knew what my ego was thinking, what it was planning, what it was fearful about, but now I can feel my soul as well, what I actually desire, what I actually think is fun. I'm going to tell my best friend I want to kiss them. For a long time I didn't want to be a programmer because I was worried people would stereotype me and think of me as worse, but I realised that I actually do enjoy programming and it doesn't matter what people think, my soul finds it relaxing so I want to do it.

It's been three weeks now and I'm starting to ruminate more, slight increase from the mostly in the moment living I've been doing, but still better than before. I'm planning on tripping again soon, as I've heard with depression that a couple times can help more than one, and indeed in the Imperial College London study, they did 2 trips three weeks apart.

This is only my experience, and I am in talking therapy too so I was slightly aware of what my emotions were and what it felt like to feel my emotions.

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 115755
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Sep 25, 2021	Views: 808
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Mushrooms (39) : Guides / Sitters (39), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)