DOSE: T+ 0:00	2 hits	oral	LSD	(gel tab)
T+ 1:30	100 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

280 lb

I started taking psychedelics' in the spring of 2019. My friend, let's call him Gary, took my first tab of acid with me. Gary had done it a few times before and wanted to share the experience with me. We tripped at my house and walked around my neighborhood at 3AM.

It was an absolutely fantastic experience and from that point I was hooked. Every two weeks me and Gary would meet up with the plug and get our hits. I never went above 2 tabs or 200ug while Gary would always 3-4 tabs every time we tripped. At one point we candyflipped together and it was honestly the best night of my life. I felt completely connected to the universe and the universe was nothing but vast and infinite love. Me and Gary ended up cuddling in my bed. We had never shared any romantic feelings in our friendship and this was completely not sexual. After that point all I could think about was candyflipping again . Gary and I still tripped every 2 weeks but we could never find any MDMA.

Fast forward to April of this year (2020) and we were preparing for Bicycle Day. Our plug had gotten in gel tabs when all he had before was paper. He told me that these would come on faster and hit a little harder then the regular dose and I was so excited. He then told me that he finally got some MDMA in and my excitement was through the roof. I bought two tabs and a point of molly for myself and couldn't wait. Then Gary tells me that he can't come with me on Bicycle Day since he had to work and I decided 'Fuck it' and dropped on the night of April 13th. I took the two tabs and planned to wait 90 minutes before taking the point of MDMA. I texted my plug and told him I was dropping tonight and then he told me that they were dosed at 150 not the 100 he told me. I thought it would be fine, I've never had a challenging experience before while tripping so I buckled myself in for the ride.

These tabs hit me like a fucking train. It must have been 15 minutes after ingestion and I was already in Lucy's arms. My walls were vibrating and moving with an intensity I had never seen before. I start to panic and text Gary that this might be more intense than I expected and didn't know if I should take the MDMA, but he never texted me back. At the 90 minute mark I was already tripping harder than any other trip I've had. I called Gary and asked him if I should "Full send" or not. I called him on snapchat so I assumed he read the messages when he picked up but after he told me that he didn't read them until later. He responds with the "Fuck yeah full send it." Now I would trust Gary with my life, he has been one of my best friends since we met in middle school so with his answer I take the point of MDMA. I convinced myself that the MDMA would calm me down when it kicked in. I would feel the love of the universe once more and all would be okay. But I couldn't have been more wrong.

From this point until I started coming down my memory is super hazy. I remember my room being so small it could fit on the end of a needle and then it would instantly be miles wide. The closed eye visuals were even more intense than the ones in my room. Everywhere I looked I saw psychedelic patterns. My anxiety overwhelmed me and I couldn't hold myself together. I called Gary once more, bawling my eyes out. I was so scared of the place that I was in and I could do nothing to escape it. I couldn't even close my eyes and take a break, it was my entire existence. I don't think I fully ego-death but I was teetering on the edge of insanity. Gary assures me that I'll be okay, that it's just a drug and I will be back to normal soon. My mind was racing and I had such a hard time completing my thoughts on the phone. By the time my mouth could form the words my brain was already 10 steps ahead with no signs of slowing down. I remember violently crying and telling Gary to never let me go back to this place. Like I said my memory is very hazy but I remember that one moment exactly. The moment where I promised myself I would never return to the place I was in has been seared into my memory. it feels like an eternity that I was on the phone with Gary. Gary falls asleep on the phone and I just sat there and listen to him snore. Knowing that he was there on the other end of the phone, even asleep, was extremely comforting. I eventually mustered up the courage to leave my bed and go into my computer room. My buddy was playing on our minecraft server so I hopped on discord and talked with him a bit and then I went back to bed.

I was finally coming down but this is the strangest experience I have ever had on a psychedelic. It was like I was split into two versions of myself, one was laying on my bed and the other was floating above on the ceiling watching me, except I was both of them at the same time. I was in this state for about 20 minutes. So for the sake of making this easy for me we will just call the floating me Nat#1 and the one on the bed Nat#2. Nat#1 could see there was clearly something different about Nat#2 and Nat#2 didn’t really care about Nat#1. It finally clicked in that Nat#1 was looking at a woman. At the same millisecond the two mes’ were slammed together and for the first time in my life I accepted myself as a transgender woman. I’ve struggled with my gender ever since I was a little kid and I had known that I had felt dysphoria over my gender for as long as I could remember. I originally just said that I was non-binary and kinda shoved all of those feelings under the rug. Deep down a part of me always knew but I just wasn’t ready to really come to terms with it. Then lady Lucy absolutely destroyed me and then taught me things about myself that I don’t know how I could have dealt with if I didn’t have her.

After that experience I sobbed for an hour. I thought my original candyflip was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced, but that moment of self realisation easily tops it. For so long I had been struggling with myself and who I was but I came out of that trip with all of those problems gone. Since then I’ve made good on my promise to myself not to go back there. Gary and I got together and did a low dose of psilocybin but it made me feel similar to the bad parts of that night so I didn’t have a good time.

In total I am so thankful for the experience I had but also never want to go back there. Maybe one day I can return to Lucy, I sure as hell miss her. But for now I think it's best that we stay apart.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114906
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Nov 6, 2020	Views: 1,000
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
LSD (2), MDMA (3) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3), Alone (16)