DOSE:

50 g

oral

Cacti - T. pachanoi

(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

06:00pm: For about three years, I've been hooked on this stuff called kratom. I have nothing against kratom and when it is used properly it can help those who need it most. However, I tend to go overboard when I consume substances. Having prepped 50 grams of san pedro powder into capsules, tossed them into a bowl then placed that bowl onto the edge of the shower, I turned on the water and stepped into the shower. I've found that the hot water pounding against my back as I kneel and consume this sacred plant allows me to sort of purify myself by rinsing away the worries of the day. Not to mention swallowing 50 capsules can be difficult after the first 10. The water kinda takes my mind off of the process.

07:30pm: About an hour and a half as passed since I dosed, my parents are in the living room consuming the news whilst I sit in my room staring at the computer. I can sense the coming wave but it has yet to reach my feet.

8:30pm: By now my parents are asleep and I feel at ease. I decided to put on my headphones and listen to some music. The lyrics of the song speak of submitting to the world's smartest computer. This sends me down a rabbit hole of pondering about the singularity, will we ever reach it? I don't have an answer, though it is fun to think about.

9:30pm: I'm beginning to become overwhelmed by the ride, so I reach out to a close friend online. We discuss if life has a meaning, he tells me that I tend to overthink things. Then reminds me that maybe there isn't a meaning to life, that we simply live and then we die. That there is no reason to worry about leaving a sort of grand legacy behind for your children and their children to cherish. While this doesn't dampen my mood, I disagree with him and tell him that I feel we should at least leave the earth a little better than it was when we arrived. Who knows if we'll be back.

11ish? pm: By this time I've stopped looking at the clock, I've put on some different music by a band that I enjoy. There are no lyrics, only sounds. As I stare at my feet propped up on my desk I begin to think about my father. We've never really shared any moments together since I've gotten older, this worries me. I have the urge to go and wake him up and tell him that I love him and to thank him for all that he has done for me. Though, I know that would be way out of character for me so I decide against it. He then walks by my door on the way to the bathroom. I tell myself I'll catch him when he walks back by on his way back to bed, but he just drifts past. I stare at my feet and close my eyes. Infinite cosmic pyramids float within space, a serpent flies about the pyramids freely. The image in my mind turns into a map of the world and I begin to see streams of money connecting all of the continents, sort of like how a map of airplane flights would look. Connecting the world with lines and what not.

Midnight and beyond: On my monitor is the image of what looks like a crying child, but its not really. It is a sort of strange, abstract art. While the song playing through my headphones massages my ears, I stare at this picture. The jagged edges of the image begin to morph into hands reaching up into the sky, those hands then turn into valleys, into clouds, even lakes and mountains. I can't help but unfocus on the finer details of the image and see the sad child once more. That child is me, I think to myself. That is my anxiety, my fear. If I can look past that child, I can see the world. Go where I wouldn't go before. And as long as I stare at the sad child's melting bubblegum looking face, I'm going to sit right here. Thinking about what could be if I didn't allow anxiety to control me.

At some point in the night I had to go and use the restroom since so many capsules turns my insides into jelly. Staring at the floor of the bathroom, I begin to watch the tiles turn into what could be described as a million star sharped cuttings of San Pedro, all stretching and contorting. While staring at the floor, I begin to feel like I'm about to have a spiritual awakening. I sit up and yep, did the you know what. I stared at myself in the mirror. I don't know how long I stared but as I did, my face began to morph into that of Shiva. Topknot and all. Nope, gotta look away now. I stare back at my feet, then to the floor. I think about looking outside the bathroom window but I know its going to be pitch black out there so I'm not even going to start with that mess.

Feeling a chill I go and sit by the heater in the kitchen. I begin to speak with my friend from earlier using my phone, I confess that I feel like I'm addicted to kratom. Or at least am using it as a crutch. By now withdrawals are setting in and he asks me how it feels. Wretched. I tell him, horrible. I crave kratom badly at this point. It feels as if a blanket has been torn away from me and I would do anything to have that warmth covering me once more. We talk some more, my thoughts flow so clearly to him. I open up to him about my problems with addiction. Just four days ago I celebrated one year sobriety away from alcohol. I look to the clock, it is 2:41 am. Time to head back to my room and ride this night out.

The rest of the night is spent watching YouTube stuff with my friend, mostly about conspiracy theories and how silly some of them are. While I'm laughing, I'm thinking to myself that everyone is trying to sell you something. And maybe there is some truth hidden out there somewhere. But the waters are so damned muddied, you'd go crazy before you found anything.

6:30am: My dad's alarm clock is going off, he is getting ready to get up and go to work. I'm laying in bed, brain still alive. Once he leaves, I close my eyes and see grotesque visuals. It looks like a walls of anuses and vaginas made of a glossy clay. Barbs pass in and out of this strange image, it reminds me of something Slaanesh would plant into the mind of one of their follower's. This causes me to become arroused and I masturbate while experiencing this grusome visual. As I climax, the visual vanishes and I open my eyes. My room is dark, I sense a giant spider making its way down the hall way. This frightens me for a moment, looking back, that spider is my addictions. Calling me to her web.

The trip began to end around 8 am but I didn't truly come to until around 3pm the next day. I experienced a few different visuals but its hard remember this many days after the trip. Overall, even though some weird stuff happened, it was a very positive experience. My brain was worked over, I questioned all of my morals, thought about becoming a Buddhist monk as I always do, and yeah. That is about it.

I'm almost a week clean now from kratom thanks to San Pedro and my friend. I hope to make it a year, then two. Five, ten. Who knows if I'll still be alive by then. One day at a time.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114356
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: May 12, 2020	Views: 866
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Cacti - T. pachanoi (64) : Alone (16), General (1)