DOSE: T+ 0:00	150 mg	oral	Moclobemide
T+ 1:00	150 mg	oral	Mescaline
T+ 3:00	250 mg	oral	Mescaline
T+ 7:00	repeated	inhaled	Nitrous Oxide
T+ 10:00		oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine

BODY WEIGHT:

78 kg

*** Mindset:
The day before I met my mother and we talked about my childhood issues. I learned that my family was covering an abuser. After the discussion with mother I had a need to trip the shit out of me. I chose to combine Mescaline-HCl (first time) with a reversible MAOI, and see what comes.

*** Comeup:
After taking mescaline I burn some incense and exercise a bit. I put on some music, mainly electronic. I wish to trip hard and get crazy. I put on some electronic music. It puts me in some kind of ego mode. I paint on my naked body. It is a first time that I take mescaline, and I notice only "weak effects" compared to psilocybin or LSD. This judgment was wrong, because mescaline comes up way slower. I decide to take the rest of the batch, all the powder that remained. This was a crucial mistake. As the effects slowly build up, I watch some porn, it looks awesome.

*** Peak:
The real peak comes maybe only after four hours since the first dose. I get diarrhea. I notice growing and deepening anxiety. Strange feeling. I dance to the music a while. My state is getting worse, feeling horrible. I lay on my bed, turn off all stimuli, and try to figure out what the hell is going on with me. I realize I have been in some ego mode trying to cover something. I choose to listen and tune to the pain in me. It is progressively worsening. Ok, at one moment I realize that I'm at the edge of freaking out. Wish I only had got some MDMA to soothe me, but I don't have. I know that I have two options. I can call ambulance and they give me benzos and I will be able to sleep. The second option is that no matter what arises in this trip, I will give my full presence to it.

I chose the latter, because I know that the hell I was feeling was only a memory of something that I needed to remember. I start crying, screaming and weeping. Soon the moaning of myself sounds like a desperate little baby. My own sounds of moaning are just the most unbearable thing I had ever heard. And then the Teacher shows me that this was my childhood. I see myself as a little baby, with two immature, unavailable and emotionally insecure parents, who were unable to protect me and who themselves needed to be taken care of. I feel the pain of this baby, who just could not be a baby, he had to be grown and adult in order to survive. I start screaming: "I just want to be a little baby" and my voice is so tender and childish. I cry the shit out of me. Expressing the pain helps a bit, but it does not stop the hell. I can't sense any love. There is nothing to soothe me. I close my eye and I see evil spirits molesting me. As a tiny baby I am longing for dad to protect me, but I am alone. The horror reached the bottom of the abyss. I trust that in this shit I can take care of myself. I trust my inner strength. I survived my childhood, so I am gonna survive this trip. The diarrhea forces me to go to the toilet every half an hour.

*** Comedown:
After 5 hours from the first dose the effects and the horrors start to fade out like waves, but very very slowly. I find nitrous. Hoping to comfort me, I start doing balloons. They calm me down, but only for a while, and then a next wave of horror feeling enters. So I repeat the balloons, I do like ten balloons, until I sadly waste all the cartridges. The diarrhea continues, I drink water and shit it immediately. I feel a need to be a child again, so I put on some cartoons for babies. They soothe me a bit. But the horror feeling still comes in like a wave and then fades away. I decide to treat myself as well as possible. I find a bottle of wine, but alcohol does not relieve me. I learn telling to myself: It's ok, you are gonna be fine, you are safe, I will protect you. But I fall asleep only after 15 hours since the first dose, well in the afternoon of the next day.

*** Aftermath
I got the lesson that Mescaline comes up slowly and that the combo with MAOI is too strong. And I chose to face the truth during this trip and be unconditionally present with my wounds. I never regretted that, it was a landmark in the process of healing my trauma. I have a deep respect to this Teacher. Though I wish I had a sitter who would take care of me.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 113843
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Dec 19, 2019	Views: 2,835
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Mescaline (36), Moclobemide (75) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Bad Trips (6), Combinations (3)