DOSE:

insufflated

Ketamine

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

I have always had anxiety, but I recognize a clear distinction between anxiety and the paranoid/delusional thoughts which I had from K. I have never been on medication, and was not on medication during the duration of what I am about to report. I have been reading that ketamine use can mimic schizophrenia because it's a dissociative. I'm not sure how accurate that is. This is the only experience I've had with dissociatives. I don't think my mental state was anywhere near that, but maybe had elements of it present.

At the end of January I had to stop going out for a bit because I was broke and just needed a break from partying. I had also taken November off, but had taken K 3 times at home during that time. I don't actually count that as time off in retrospect. Since mid January, I haven't taken K. Throughout this break my mind became increasingly clear, and I realized how my mental health had suffered since the summer when I got into K. I didn't realize how it was affecting me at the time.

when I first took it I didn't really like it, but I guess it was an acquired taste. Why did I never get into K before? because I saw what it did to people and thought it was messy. I didn't want to lose control of my body like that or get in a khole. I had a lot of fear surrounding it and it had made a friend years ago totally disconnected. (I have been going to parties on and off since 2003)
I found that I could only take a lot less K than most people and was quite sensitive (maybe because I was a new user). I would have a K-hole in a club from 1/3 the dose most people would take.... I would be at Berghain and wouldn't even know what DJ was on because I'd be so high (NOT WHAT I CAME TO BERLIN FOR). It would also make me start rambling on about random thoughts to people uncontrollably, or be floored by a thought and get quiet and start processing internally (such as past trauma?!) in front of friends at the club when we were supposed to be having fun.

I couldn’t focus my vision, sometimes I felt like my eyes were rolling back in my head, I didn’t recognize people standing right in front of me, I couldn’t navigate properly through space. Although I was processing things at the time, I wonder how much of those thought patterns happened because of the K. Looking back it feels like a fog rolling in over my mind, I guess that's the best way to describe it.

Because of this I realized I shouldn't be taking it in public. But since it fascinated me and I've always been interested in psychedelics, I started taking it in private in larger doses because I was reading online that it had been used for treating depression in clinical settings.

In December, I had an episode where I stayed in for a weekend and took ketamine 2 nights in a row. I'm not even sure how much I took out of the 3G, but I basically just took it and lay in bed and when I would get up I didn't even feel like I was in my apartment or anything. I also remember my body feeling completely numb, and was mildly concerned I'd collapse (I'd fall into things) but also didn't care because I was sad about something and didn't want to be alive to be honest or in my body. I remember thinking that this could be dangerous. I remember by the end of the second night, my thoughts were drawing conclusions about situations, and then 10 minutes later drifting to an opposite one, and then drifting off to another one. (This had happened before, but in a less extreme and noticeable state). No thoughts were grounded anywhere or consistent, I even texted people some of these "conclusions" from my "processing" while drifting in and out of consciousness. I remember even having conversations with friends and then waking up to a text saying "are you still there??" for example an hour later after I had lost consciousness and my phone had fallen out of my hand.

In January when I was in Toronto, I decided to take Ketamine in a float tank. During this, I was talking to myself. I did that often when on K. I'm pretty sure everyone at the Float place thought I was completely insane.

I guess why I'm writing this is because there has never been a time where I've had such a destructive mental pattern from any drug I've taken, excluding alcohol. Did K provide "insight"? Not like the clear, life changing insights I've had on classic psychedelics, that came from a place of love. K caused synthetic shifting perspectives. when high on it, I felt as if my life was a game. It caused thoughts that were not grounded in reality. When I came back from those states, I realized half of the insights I'd had were complete bullshit. For me, that's not worth it. I think overall it made me stupid, numb, confused and psychotic. I was also using it to self medicate because I felt lost: and I think this was the main problem. the last thing I need when feeling lost is scattered thoughts and brain fog: I need stability and clarity. However K can also provide a great escape from the current reality I am in (which ironically was worsened by K use).

K had a time and a place in my life, and helped me work through some trauma from a detached perspective. But the problem was with it that it caused more harm to my thoughts than good. Because then in my SOBER DAILY LIFE, my thoughts about myself, people, life, CHANGED SO OFTEN that I often wondered if I was losing my mind. I sometimes would break down and wonder what was wrong with me. I recognized at the time something was happening, but didn't realize that my K use was causing paranoia. As I already have been diagnosed with "general anxiety disorder" in the past, I don't think K is a good drug for people that have anxiety to be taking. But it allowed some thoughts and behaviours that had been there my entire life to come to the surface as they were magnified.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 112983
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 32
Published: Mar 27, 2019	Views: 2,164
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Ketamine (31) : Health Problems (27), Addiction & Habituation (10), Post Trip Problems (8), Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)