DOSE: T+ 0:00	5 g	oral	Syrian Rue	(seeds)
T+ 0:20	20 g	oral	Mimosa tenuiflora	(tea)
T+ 0:00	1 bowl	smoked	Cannabis
T+ 0:00			Kratom	(daily)
T+ 0:00			Kava	(daily)
T+ 0:00			Cannabis	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

210 lb

I was suicidal for most of the last year, having abused DXM heavily, and life decisions weighing me down. I got clean from the DXM for 8 months, but I was still off, very off. I had ordered Mimosa and Syrian Rue sometime early in 2018, and just had it sitting around, afraid to try it. But after a night of heavy drinking, and suicidal thoughts I decided to brew it and drink it the next day. I wouldn't ever recommend anyone to do what I did, as I it could've gone seriously wrong in that mindset, and on top of the bad head space I did it completely alone at home. I also did way too much for a first timer, 20 grams of Mimosa and 5 grams of Rue, and even smoked a bowl of weed after ingestion. But I'm happy that I did it, after the trip I felt renewed, and excited about waking up everyday.

I ingested the 5 grams Syrian Rue, and 15 minutes later ingest the 20g Mimosa Hostilis Brew. Then I smoked the bowl of a 0.5 cannabis about 15 minutes after this.

I take Kratom and Kava daily with my Cannabis, but didn't have any the day before this experience.

I was listening to music and meditating during the come up, it took about thirty minutes for me to start to really feel things, and once it began it just got more and more intense. I couldn't even sit in my chair, and had to sink down to the floor. I was listening to Swans - A Little God In My Hands, rolling around on the floor wailing, I was amazed, and afraid of what I was about to go into. As the song reached the climax, the crying got louder and stronger, I had a closed eyed visual of floating over my self as a child, and it ripped me apart, I felt so ashamed of my life decisions. I was happy, sitting in a room by my self playing with toys and watching TV. I couldn't believe that I had reached a point in my life that I required substances to even feel a bit of the happiness I saw in my younger self.

By now my body began to feel like all my bones became rubber, it was like I was melting into the universe. I tried to get up and put a specific song on and as I moved towards my computer I felt like a serpent moving through water, the tracers got stronger and stronger, the HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG louder and louder. I couldn't even find my mouse, so I gave up and accepted that the only sounds I would have for awhile would be my fan. I got into bed and began contorting my body in ways I never thought I could, this is when something said to me 'So this is what you've really wanted all this time' and my closed eyed visuals turned into this womb like orange hue, with planets, stars, dust, and I was flying by them at the speed of light. I could hear thunder and lightning strikes in what seemed like a hurricane I was the center of. I remember asking 'Are you God?' and was met immediately with a 'Yes'. A wave of euphoria rushed from my toes to my head, but my primal instincts kicked in. (Being an atheist since I can remember really made this part of the trip stand out for me)

I truly thought I was dying, I was going cold, I felt like my heart was beating faster than it ever had before, I was starting to panic, and I knew this wasn't going to end good if I kept panicking. I kept hearing something saying 'You're Life!, You're Life! You're Death!, You're Death!'. I got up out of bed stumbling around like a baby, moaning and mumbling to my self, unable to get a word out. I got a bottle of water and began chugging it, I started to feel better, but I was still afraid of death, I was hearing News Reporters speaking about me, how my attempt at helping my self was the end of me. I stumbled in to the bathroom, 'In an attempt to save his life...' I turned on the shower, and stared my self in the mirror. I could barely make out my face the tracers were so strong, and everything was wobbly like a bobble head.

I got in the shower, and the water sent another wave of euphoria through my body, I felt safe, and ok, everything was going to be just ok. The voice reassured me that I was loved, and I was going to be just fine. I stood in the shower, switching between warm and cold water. Just thinking, watching the closed eyed visuals unfold, the orange hue was getting stronger and stronger. I was thinking about every life experience I had ever had up till that point, and eventually I had to purge. No vomit, just diarrhea, and as I sat on the toilet I saw my self literally being reborn as a baby, and was staring up at a face that I did not recognize, but she gazed at me with the most loving eyes, and I felt love for her. After this things began to calm down and I spent another hour or so laying in bed after getting dry and feeling like I was a soul free to explore anywhere in the universe.

What did I learn? I'm stronger than I thought, that I am not worthless, that I am loved, that I can love, and that I do want to live.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 112175
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Aug 4, 2018	Views: 2,358
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Mimosa tenuiflora (74), Syrian Rue (45), Huasca Combo (269) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)