DOSE:

1 tablet

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

58 kg

At that point, I had some experience with LSD, 1P-LSD, ETH-LAD as well as DXM and Ketamin.

It so happend that my father died in october of 2016, so just a few months before that. My relationship to him was complicated. He was a very closed down person, barely letting feelings out and if he ever did, it was rather intense (aka lots of shouting). We struggled on several topics and we were never able to discuss them and even the therapy I started after his death to deal with that didn't help much.


Trying MDMA however was totally unrelated to that. I was looking try out new stuff then, and thought that MDMA is just a well known substance, I should try it. Carefully researching what to take care of, what to keep in mind in terms of dosage and the stuff I'd get, it happened that I was alone in my room one evening with a couple of these small, blue pills. I had ordered a pizza at 5:30, dropped one pill at 6:00, just as my pizza arrived.

So I sat there, eating, and after about 20 minutes - with half a pizza to go - I suddenly and really abruptly (really from one second to another), I felt off. I sat there, staring at my pizza, completely puzzled by what I was feeling. It wasn't the euphoria and love that was yet to come, just off. I wasn't hungry anymore, so I put the pizza in the fridge, went to the toilet, returned to my room, and turned on some music.

And then it hit me. I took of my clothing, tilted my window and layed in bed. That was the most blissful minute of my life. My mind went from 0 to 'I can't believe this feeling!' in no time at all. I layed there, unwilling to move, feeling pure love for everybody I ever met.

And then, for whatever reason, my father came to my mind. And I could just not blame him for what he had done to me. All the times he seemed aggressive, closed down, annoyed and unhappy about me suddenly made sense: He didn't know any better. He did the best he can. I was aware that that doesn't make it any less bad what he did, but he certainly tried, and I couldn't blame him for not knowing better. His parents didn't show him much love, so how should he have known how to show that to me? It just all made sense. It didn't hurt thinking about him anymore. Everything was ok suddenly.

And as quick as that all came, I felt it fading. I did not want to redose, so I just went with it repeating for myself over and over again: 'He did his best, never forget that!'

The next few days were weird. I felt better, but very neutral at the same time. Happiness was missing, but there was no pain anymore. That returned to normal as my brain regenerated, but that moment of realising what was wrong has never left me.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 111091
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Oct 10, 2017	Views: 1,213
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MDMA (3) : Families (41), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)