DOSE:

1 bowl

smoked

DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

55 kg

So far, I'd wet my whistle with the spirit molecule, dipped a toe into the shimmery cosmic expansion of the universe, but I was ready for more. There's actually a few different ways in which we can experience this little psychedelic wonder. Having a lovely, 'standard' little DMT trip, as I had now tried, features sweet closed-eye hallucinations and a sensations of a deep, euphoric love you've ever felt before. And then, well... there's the next level, 'Breaking Through'- they call it such because it apparently has the ability to make you break through the veil of this third dimensionsal reality and experience the infinite possibilities of Hyperspace.

After trying it myself, I think that it's also referred to as such because if you're open to the messages you receive on the trip and successfully integrate them, you can experience actual breakthroughs in your everyday life.

It's a heartbreakingly difficult experience to try and comprehend, let alone describe, in the limited language the human brain is bound by. It becomes frustrating because you want to share what you've seen and learned with everyone, but you can't even really share it with yourself.
It's like waking up from the most beautiful, vivid dream you've ever had, emerging from sleep in a state of restful bliss, only to find the details slip further and further away as you become more and more lucid.

I read somewhere that because your mind can't assign names or reference points to most of the crazy-complex imagery you're bombarded with on a breakthrough, it simply discards it as nonsense, and so you actually only retain about 2% of your entire experience, which is really sad.
So I'll do my best to describe in earthly terms what happened after being blasted into the great white ether, but keep in mind my account is bound to be flawed by my descriptive limitations.

I packed my cone with double the amount if put in initially, aprox 25mg, and blasted off.

As I exhaled there was an immense pressure inside my skull and a sensation of its contents being violently stretched and compacted, like an accordian.

Simultaneously, I feel like something twice my weight is bearing down on my chest, slowing my heartbeat to a hum, accompanied by a strange drilling noise that incrementally increases and descreases in pitch. Like a Skrillex track being produced from inside me, a heart and blood and lymph cacophony.

My brain projectile vomited into and all over istelf, spraying impossibly bright technicolour chunks all over my psyche. My stomach dropped so low it fell out of me and into a distant abyss. 'Oh fuck no what have I done I've fucked up I've gone too far I'm definitely going to die' I remember thinking, and then suddenly there was no thought and no 'I' to think them, no sense of self or individuality, I ceased being a person, and started just being.

Later, I found that this experience is commonly referred to as the 'ego death'.

It's a strange thing, to know you exist but no longer be aware of having a body. I'm a stream of consciousness without a physical anchor. It's purely sensory perception at this level, my mind isn't creating a running narrative or feeding me information about what I'm feeling, I'm just feeling.
In the space of a few minutes, I am shown every single face of every human being that has ever lived. They were woven into mandala-style patterns, flashing and changing constantly, and as I pull focus to the pattern I realize it's multi-dimensional, it's pulling other patterns into it and forming a snake-shaped thing, it's kind of evolving into a complicated DNA strand that encompasses the energy of every living thing ever.

It swells, bursting with a crackling electricity, crests, and crashes over me. The wave collapses and instantly reforms, it's the cycle, the endless tide.

I get the sense of this wave/DNA thing being like some sort of weird performance art, a Salvador Dali depiction of humanity, a way to present ourselves as a collective. Kind of like a sizzle reel, or a tourist campaign for aliens, with our entire human history artfully packaged and presented for judgment.

I read that DMT shows you a sacred language beyond words, and that definitely resonates with the DNA-style fractals I saw and the feelings that were carried along with them.

Something I found interested upon reflecting on the experience later was that I didn't just see love and light, I saw all the evil and hate in the universe in equal measure, only it wasn't scary at all, it was obviously just the other side of the coin, the yang, the night, without which there would be no yin or light, and this understanding and acceptance of the duality of all things felt quite profound. I don't need to fear anything, as nothing is really bad, it is simply the other side of good, not its opposite but its equal.

So all these light and dark energies are flowing in and out of, and for the first time I am able to (kind of) see the monolithic source that all things come from and go back into. It's masculine in shape, which is surprising to me as I always assumed the 'divine' to be female in nature. It's feature and faceless, just a blocky, humanoid figure, white and opaque and swirling with infinite trails of energy.

I think, now, that the 'Godhead' figure was more symbolic than physically accurate, a visual depiction of the lifeforce that every single living thing shares rather than an embodiment of an actual deity.

What I experienced next is even harder to describe, as it was like I was told a great secret in a language beyond words. It was like being embraced by everyone I've ever loved and who has loved me, and knowing that they'll always be there to hold me, and feeling completely safe and warm and devoid of fear. I understood that love is what unites us, and lack of is what causes all the pain and separation in the world. It was a feeling akin to a description I once read about consciousness and death. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote it, but It went something like;

Humanity, as a whole, have a collective consciousness which is like the ocean. Infinite, expansive, fluid, one. People, embodied individuals, are like the little bubbles in the ocean, still connected and part of the whole, but encased, and with a thin barrier between it and the rest of the water. When we die, our little self-bubble pops, the barrier breaks and we are re-absorbed into the great ocean, merged again into one vast body of water.

I understand that I am both the single tiny bubble and the great ocean.

This is the best way I can describe my first experience breaking through- my bubble popped and my consciousness was reunited with the ultimate source. And it was fucking incredible.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 110578
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Sep 30, 2017	Views: 2,951
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