DOSE:	repeated	oral	Etizolam
	repeated	oral	Clonazolam
	repeated	oral	Diclazepam
	repeated	oral	Flubromazolam

BODY WEIGHT:

190 lb

This is my description of one year in my life of being an addict to RC benzodiazepines.
I will first say that I was a prior polydrug user for quite a long time, with my main DOC [drug of choice] being alcohol and unfortunately, cocaine also. I reached a point sometime last year where I was pretty desperate to stop drinking especially, after many failed attempts. I forgot to mention, at the time I lived in Seattle WA.

I dunno how I found etizolam first, I know it was some session of late night internet surfing. I found out about it, but didn't order it. About two weeks later, another hungover morning and I realized I had ordered a strip of etizolam tablets, ten 1 mg pills. I forgot I ordered them soon after.

About a week later, they showed up. I was immediately skeptical of the cheap-looking Indian packaging, and thought this stuff was probably garbage. I popped 4 tablets, and headed to my girlfriend's house across town.

Once I got on the bus, I started realizing I was getting really sedated. As soon as I got off, I literally stumbled down the street and went in her house, where I fell asleep for 2 hours in the day which I never do. This was exactly like Xanax, which I loved but never used because it was always too hard to find and too expensive, it had been years since I took it.

I had a wicked hangover another morning, and before work (I was a line cook), I took 2 tablets. I think this is what got me addicted. My hangover was erased in 15 minutes, and I felt great. Work flew by, no anxiety and I was way more productive than usual. I loved this shit, it was instantly my new drug of choice. The euphoria was in the completely relaxed and carefree feeling, amazing compared to alcohol and even blowing away cocaine for me.

So, I remember ordering 40 more. I started taking etizolam everyday, and it was a relief because I no longer cared about alcohol at all. I loved these pills. It did not take long before they basically stopped working, my tolerance shot up. I was taking 3-5 mg at a time with little effect anymore. Mind you, at this point everyone liked this new me, super chill with no anxiety and way productive , it was pretty great at first. I'm usually high strung, loud, and somewhat abrasive.

The tolerance though, this is how I somehow discovered Clonazolam. These were supposedly stronger, and when I got them they were an entirely different class of downer. These things were crazy strong. I loved the high from the outset, except on these I was fucked up not like the etizolam was, these things were the heaviest drug I ever ingested. At first I knew I could not take these at work, it was too much. I don't remember much around this time period now. I'll tell what I remember.

I was making bank at this job, and I really loved it. The coolest kitchen job I ever had, the best place, it was an accomplishment having slaved my way up to get to work there. I was way into it. I would have continued my career if it were not for this drug. Working in a hardcore kitchen though cooking hundreds of tickets a night, it drives especially addicts to want to use. It's a heavily using industry. It is some pretty crazy oeoe doing the work anyway, and takes a certain lunatic to fit in. Armed with my drugs, good to go I thought. Nothing farther from the truth.

I knew this shit was bad, I was popping like 3-4 mg a night and just getting trashed, it was an amazing feeling drug at that time though and I didn't care. Like almost psychedelic strangely, clonazolam had a psychedelic feel in high doses like no other benzo. It was highly euphoric as well, more than opiates or coke even to me. It was a muscle relaxant also and basically a million times better than alcohol.

I must have popped more and went to work. I was apparently moving like 2 mph, slurring, dropping shit. I got sent home, and on the way out got busted chewing up more clonazolam tablets. They didn't know what it was but it was still obviously some kinda drugs.

I had spoken to a former coworker friend recently and was thinking about moving jobs, partly because I hated the sous chef and also because I knew it was an easier job with the same pay. So, fired or quit from one job I'm off to work at another, high as fuck from day one on clonazolam.

I ran out of pills about my 2nd day into that job. This was my first experience of benzo withdrawals. It was bad, but manageable at that point just bad anxiety and no sleep. I already had more on the way, at this point I was ordering etizolam and clonazolam pellets by the hundreds. I thought well, I'll just stash the clonazolam for emergencies and use the etizolam only. I must have popped all the etizolam in two days I remember. I got the C-lam bottle out, and figured well I'll split a tab before work to kill the withdrawals. It was 4 hours before my shift. I must have eaten ten by the time I got to work.
Needless to say, after an embarrassing week or so I had to quit mid-shift having full-on benzo withdrawals. I quit my job, at this point I have fucked off all my friends I've made the last several years in the industry due to these pills, like lost friends for life in a matter of weeks.

I had to get a section 8 voucher to pay my rent. I spent the last of my paychecks on more RC benzodiazepines. I had to switch suppliers as I got cut off from my main vendor from trying to order hundreds of dollars worth at a time. Now I'm ordering liquid clonazolam, and getting pills from England. It takes a month to arrive. Powdered Etizolam, grams of it dirt cheap.

It was winter. My poor girlfriend comes over, and tells me I've barely spoken to her in months. I lost about 40 lbs. There was food a month old in the fridge. My apartment was a dusty mess. I had no friends at all left. I was out of drugs.

Now I experienced full-on benzo withdrawal. I was awake for about ten days, say seeing shit and feeling like I was about to convulse at anytime. It did not get better, it got worse.

I tried to check into rehab. They told me I had to go to the e.r. I waited one more night. I didn't know if I was awake or asleep that night. I dreamed a helicopter was flying over my building reading my thoughts, sending messages to my phone about me. Then I dreamed someone in Malaysia or somewhere sent me a huge box filled with drug paraphernalia, and lorazepam stuffed chocolates wrapped in foil. I thought I was in a warehouse. I came to and told my gf this shit, that I thought it was real. I went to the e.r. the next day, being scripted 6 mg a day or Klonopin to withdraw with. Somehow, I got through that.

We moved and left Seattle. I got another job, and tried to leave this shit behind. I ended up getting more clonazolam, and drank a whole bottle of PG solution, it was 150 mg. I almost cut my finger off, I got fired from my new job, went to the e.r. again. I've relapsed about 5 times on benzodiazepines since we moved. It has been a nightmare.

I ordered more while I was under the influence of them, and my addiction is so bad that if I take 1, I take all of them. I black out. It's horrible. Of all the drugs I ever picked up, which I regret them all, these benzos did more damage faster than anything I've ever used.

I am mentally still addicted. All my brain remembers is the first few times when it was amazing. It's been one year now. I'm currently in outpatient rehab, and I have to soon go to inpatient. I took 30 more etizolam the other day. I blacked out for two days, thankfully I'm still here and safe. These drugs are absolutely fucking horrible. If you have any bit of doubt about your self control and especially if you know your an addict, then starting to use etizolam is the equivalent of handing a monkey a gun. You're the monkey and it's going to go really bad.

I'm completely at a loss. I destroyed my life so much in one year I don't even want to go back to anything it was. I have to start completely over. I'm glad I'm alive, and I'm literally scared of benzos. Don't get me wrong, alcohol and coke are bad drugs too, and sent me really bad places. However, these RC benzos take the fucking cake. I have never caused so much mayhem so quickly, and been so caught in a vice like especially clonazolam did to me. I didn't care about anything anymore but more pills and staying high in my apartment. I hope this is over.

I really thought the benzos were a safe way out drinking and using coke. It turned into a monster almost overnight. I'm glad I'm sober today, hopefully forever. Take care.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 108956
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 35
Published: Aug 11, 2016	Views: 26,046
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Etizolam (568), Clonazolam (686) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)