DOSE: T+ 0:00	450 mg	oral	DXM	(liquid)
T+ 1:30	150 ug	oral	LSD
T+ 1:30	40 mg	oral	Pharms - Propranolol	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

I am 37 years old male. I have tripped on DXM over 20 times in past 20 years and in last few years psychedelics about same amount of occasions. I have combined DXM and 2C-C once and milder dissociative MXP with mushrooms and acid two times both. Dissociatives seem to boost psychedelic trips in me enormously. I'd say about 5 times any given dosage. I was quite concerned about this trip because I knew this would be a hell of a trip and it could last for 12 hours or so. In subjective time span that would seem like a week.

I have suffered from recurrent depression since I was in fifth grade. In last few years I have been in individual and group therapy and took antidepressants for two years. I almost committed suicide while taking Cipralex (escitalopram) and divorced my wife while taking Effexor (venlafaxine). Things that I probably wouldn't have done without these mind interfering drugs. The divorce it seems now was at the end a great thing, but almost killing oneself is one hell of a side effect. I stopped using the drugs for about a year ago. They are very addictive too. I had very severe withdrawal symptoms although I dropped the dosage very very slowly.

During the past year I have introduced myself to the wisdom of ancient American cultures. Namely 'Toltec' wisdom, which doesn't refer to the actual nationality of Toltecs. 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Toltec Wisdom' is the most revealing selfhealing book I have ever read, and I have read many. So I had decided to become a warrior - in a Toltec non violent way. In recent months I have also read Carl Jung. It was mindblowing. What he mostly discusses is dreamworld but his theories of subconscious applies very well to psychedelic experience.

I had done this active imagination thing that Jung describes for some time. It consist of talking to the character's of your subconscious like they would be real persons - and for your mind they are as real as you and me. A few days prior to the trip I realised that nobody has ever listened to the 'Rage' entity of my mind. My temper and especially efforts to control Rage has been the most significant thing to cause me depression in the long run. So I started to ask Rage 'How are you doing?'. And it was astonished (in my imagination). 'What? No one has ever asked me that.' I knew how I really could meet Rage face to face. To remind me I wrote myself a note in big red letters:'MEET RAGE'. I thought I would meet something like a flaming demon. But it was something completely different.

I had done the separation process of DXM from the cough syrup the day before. I drank the liquid which didn't taste as awful as I remembered.

After half an hour it started to take effect and the usual nausea came in. It seemed worse than ever. I had to throw up three times - but at that point the DXM had completely absorbed as I had calculated. When the nausea gave up a little after one hour or so, I put the acid blotter in my mouth and took Propral 40mg described for panic attacks to lower heart rate. My heart always tends to go for over 100 beat per minute in the come up of psychedelics, which results in thoughts like 'I'm gonna die'.

The acid took effect faster than ever. After half an hour I was tripping out as hell. The thing with DXM and acid combo is that DXM causes closed eye visions and acid enhances them. I put Synaesthesia's Desideratum album on and closed my eyes on a mattress. I used also a scarf as a blindfold since it was daytime.

It is said that normal consciousness uses about 10 percent of the total brain capacity. New brain scans show that on acid all the brain is activated. So when that happens you jump from 10 percent CPU usage to 100 percent. Your mind seems to process soooooooo fast. I don't remember much of the things travelled past in the subsconscious cosmos of my mind but I know I came back with the most important pieces.

The closed eye visions were very solid. Much more touchable and lifelike than usual psychedelic visions. At first everything was spinning in fractal like spirals in unbelievable speed. But then there evolved some more solid things.

It was not a sphere but two combined together. Like two cells - or atoms. There was something spinning around it in small circles of light, with the speed of light. It was like covered with small glowing yellow circles and further away there was bigger more mercurial globe around. It reminded me of womb. I said to myself: 'Ok. Now I can say, I have been to the beginning.' Yet I knew it was not a real 'beginning' but it has always been and always will be. I don't know if it was the 'beginning' of the universe, was I there as a two cell organism in my mother's womb OR as it seems most likely from the shape of the thing: was I a hydrogen molecule. What makes me believe this was a real memory is the very realistic manner of this trip and I have remembered many forgotten things in past dissociative trips.

I have before come to a solution that if consciousness is about to evolve in the universe, there has to be some kind of consciousness in the particle level of things too. In quantum mechanics it has been shown that even the smallest particles can 'communicate' or 'learn' from each others spin. And it is communicable without restrictions of distance. So everything would be interconnected somehow.

But anyways, if I was conscious already when I was a two cell organism, it has wide ethical implications. Abortion would really be a murder. And veganism would be as ethical as meat eating.

After that scene there was just me. And as me I mean the Consciousness in empty space. I was wondering 'what the hell is ego loss, if I have come this far I would certainly have had that happen if it was about to happen'. Maybe I just have very small ego anyways, because I realise in everyday consciousness too that I am not my body or mind - that I am just the consciousness observing. Consciousness knew it has always existed, and always will. And in this exact form. It would never merge with other, but always be part of the other, yet always individual observer.

This reminds me of the new physicists theory that space is not unlimited but time is. So the universe has always existed. There was not big bang. For me it's just an old theory like flat earth was centuries ago. Universe seems to be always expanding because it swirls inside itself like I have seen in another acid trip. That would explain much better the thing that universe seems to expand to all directions no matter which point it is observed. In big bang theory there should be a point where everything expands from. That broken theory has just been fixed with duct tape solution of 'the bang happened at the same time everywhere' which is like saying that 2 + 1 equals 4 because another 1 was hiding behind the 1 we saw.

Anyways after that I had a religious experience. I had the halo exactly like Jesus and other religious figures have in paintings. It was like pure electricity. And at some point I might have had some kind of out of body experience. My consciousness seemed to get out of the body for a moment but only a few inches after it returned. I probably didn't give in enough for that to happen in full scale. I love my body too much to leave it alone.

After a while I returned to the time when I was born. I swirled through my life like a supercomputer searching for information that it was supposed to find. And then I found it. I was probably about 4 years old or may be younger. There was a situation. A feeling. I had given it my own name, because there wasn't any discussion about feelings in my family. So I couldn't know the common name of the feeling. I had called the feeling 'puukka'. I had remembered that word in another trip but back then it meant something like sadness. This time it meant complete frustration and rage. So it seems to have been a general concept for unbearable feelings for me.

The scene was very very realistic. It was like very real and vivid memory. I was standing outside. I was in the edge of forest. My father was in front of me. My brother was a bit further away by my side. My father was yelling at me 'You can't hit your brother!' like a thunder. My ears were hurting. I was feeling enraged and very frustrated. 'I am very very pissed off and I am not allowed to do anything?' I though. I looked my brother and he was in a posture of shame: head down, shoulders in down-forward position. So I decided back then that I should be ashamed of this feeling. Be ashamed of something that is part of me.

At first I was going to pass this memory, because it was so hurtful. But now me, the Consciousness (or God) said:'No, this is it. This was never dealt with.' And I returned to the scene. As I am God, one piece of God, and the Almighty in my subconscious reality, I could of course change it. So I started the scene over and reenacted it. This time I was the little boy and also the father at the same time. And as father I said 'You are not allowed to hit your brother' in very firm but calm voice but then I added that 'but you can shout out as loud as you can.' There is no way to describe the relief of the little boy. 'I can???!!!' His head rose up like a spring and his posture went immediately straight. As I later looked in the mirror, I realised that my posture had changed in the same way. Like my chest had opened up. I wasn't a little ashamed boy anymore. I had grown to be a Man. Adult. I had had my initiation.

I don't know if this could have happened before. I think it was only now when all the pieces of the puzzle came together. I have now son the same age that the disturbing events happened. He has the same temper as I do. I probably couldn't relate before to the role of a father of a fire child before and forgive my real father.

It has been only two days since the trip and the DXM afterglow is still on. But I know this change will last. It will change everything. My relationships to other people and especially me. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. There never was. I am just made of fire!

After stopping for a moment to that clear and vivid scene the subconscious cosmos started to swirl all over again in lightspeed. At some point I checked the time and only two hours had passed since I took the acid when it seemed like 20 to me. 'Oh God, this will still go on for hours.' I couldn't measure my pulse, since my time span was very different from normal so I used a blood pressure meter. The blood pressure was just a little above normal and pulse normal, so I decided I am not going to die. But still I would have taken neuroleptics if I had any to stop the trip. It felt so unbearable. Luckily I didn't have any and I realised I could slow things a little bit by keeping my eyes open.

When the trip was coming down there was a drawing pattern sliding in the ceiling. They were amazingly similar to art of Native Americans. And they were really solid. Like real objects. I had a color changing LED spot and all the shadows and light angles were as perfect as real. This kind of solidity of visions I really can't get with only acid. And when I was trying to go to sleep there were these very realistic closed eye scenes. One was some kind of a record shop. First there were lots of people but then they went away one by one. Then there was left just the record shell. It stayed there moveless for ages. It became really annoying. Even in last evening the day after the trip I saw very realistic woman next to me in bed when I closed my eyes. Of course I had sex with her and it was very lifelike even though I didn't even have an erection in reality. This combination of drugs was very cool in every way.

The strangest thing of the trip was yet to come. The day after the trip I went on the scale. And I couldn't believe my eyes. I had lost 6 kilos (13 pounds) in the last 24 hours. Also the fat percentage showed to be down 4 percent. So it was not all fluids. I didn't think that would be possible. Without any exercise and I did eat in the evening of the trip day, too. I thought I had invented some kind of a metaphysical way to lose weight. But today when I went to the scale again, the 6 kilos were back. It's a digital scale, so it could have malfunctioned. But it has never malfunctioned before. So could I have still been partly levitating after the trip? They say Jesus levitated up to the heavens. May be when you are really high, you really are high.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 108706
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 37
Published: Jun 22, 2016	Views: 4,802
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DXM (22), LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Depression (15), Combinations (3), Alone (16)