DOSE:	15 mg	oral	Pharms - Mirtazapine	(daily)
	4 hits	oral	LSD	(blotter / tab)
		inhaled	Nitrous Oxide

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

I had tripped numerous times before, at doses ranging from 50 to 200 ug. I was in love with acid, taking it about every three to twelve weeks. My experiences were almost completely positive and life-affirming. After the initial weirdness of coming down I had always felt more integrated in life, more motivated and curious to learn and interact with people.

About two weeks before the event I had started taking 15 mg of mirtazapine daily. Taking acid in this situation was probably a serious mistake. I had been somewhat depressed for at least six months, but I had absolutely no conscious intention of committing suicide.

My last couple of trips had been slightly underwhelming and I was craving for a stronger experience, something I could really call a breakthrough. So, being free of all obligations for two days and having woken after a night of good sleep, I decided to take four tabs. My boyfriend B took the same dose.

The come up was slightly dizzying. My thoughts started going into places and directions that don't exist when sober. I sat on the balcony, accompanied only by an orange, an easel and paints. I remember picturing about our (mine and the orange's) common ancestry and wondering whether we had succeeded in the game of evolution. The orange looked wrinkly and imperfect, from which I reasoned that I must be a low-ranked individual within my species, and the stronger alpha humans had picked the prettier oranges. I was still aware of myself and took these thoughts with a grain of salt and was amused by their oddity.

T + 2-3 hours. No visuals worth mentioning showed up, and the paints didn't inspire me, so I gave up on the idea and returned inside. B and I used a couple of capsules of nitrous, which deepened the trip. We decided to have sex to ease the feeling of otherness. We didn't speak. I slowly got more and more disconnected from myself, my personality and conscious mind. We stopped to get a drink of water. B spilled some on the bed and started freaking out, saying the damage would cost millions to repair. I was confused, the panic was contagious. Glancing at the window, I saw glimpses of helicopters in the sky. Suddenly my brain was one-track and allowed no interruptions. The first thing that came into my head was the thought I accepted as gospel truth, and the normal background analysis - thinking about thinking - was gone.

I forgot who I was and that I had taken acid. All I knew was that I was in big fucking trouble. They, with a capital T, were after me and if they caught me my life was effectively over. This crushing feeling of what-have-I-done dominated my consciousness. I kept trying to look for signs that this was a dream and I would soon wake up from the nightmare.

The apartment was no longer a safe place. The fact that there were knifes in the kitchen drawers terrified me. Neither could I trust B - he seemed to have turned into a dangerous and unpredictable stranger. I fled into the stairway (naked of course). B and I exchanged some words for a moment - he kept repeating how much this all was going to cost and how much his family and ancestors (?) would be shamed.

T + 5 hours (judging by the time the ambulance arrived). Despaired, I started ascending the stairs. I climbed to the roof and jumped. I crashed on concrete after falling about 65 feet.

I survived the fall but spent nearly three months hospitalized. I went in looking for spiritual rebirth but got a physical one instead: I had to re-learn almost everything. Sitting upright, controlling bodily functions, finally walking. I wanted a life-changing experience and got more than I asked for.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 107347
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Jan 13, 2020	Views: 2,079
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LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40) : Combinations (3), Depression (15), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Small Group (2-9) (17)